Connect With Courage | Roya Dedeaux, LMFT

A Teen's Guide to Fighting Nihilism

Fri, 07 Feb 2025 17:38:54 GMT

Why Does Everything Feel So Pointless?

If you've ever found yourself wondering, "What’s the point of anything?" you’re not alone.

Many people, adults and teenagers alike, struggle with nihilism—the belief that life has no inherent meaning or purpose. It can feel overwhelming, like a heavy fog settling over your mind, making it hard to care about your hobbies, relationships, or even yourself.

As I write this we are a few weeks into Trump’s second presidency, and almost every single therapy session I have had since November has included clients struggling with their own sense of powerlessness in the face of huge, global overwhelm.

When we feel like people in power are working actively against the best interest of our communities, and we feel like there’s nothing we can do about it - it’s really, really easy to slip into despair. Because our brains try to protect ourselves from that level of acute pain, on-going despair can easily turn into checking-out and deciding nothing matters anyway.

But here’s the thing: meaning isn’t something you find; it’s something you create. You have more power than you think, and this guide will show you how to fight nihilism by engaging with life in ways that feel authentic and fulfilling to you.

1. Music: The Soundtrack to Your Resistance

Music has an incredible ability to shake us out of apathy. It connects us to emotions we might not even realize we have. When the weight of nihilism makes everything feel gray, the right song can bring color back into your world.

Find music that resonates with you. Whether it’s punk, musical theater, classical symphonies, or hip-hop that speaks to your experiences, seek out sounds that move you.

Make your own playlists. Create different soundtracks for different moods—one for motivation, one for reflection, one for pure joy.

Connect with your community. Music sharing programs make community playlists a profound tool for expressing emotions, and also for finding comfort in sharing those feelings with others.

Consider making music. You don’t need to be a professional. Writing lyrics, learning an instrument, or experimenting with digital audio software can give you a sense of purpose and creativity. Part of what makes us human is our musicality. We people are inherently musical - even if you don’t think you have a particular talent. Add some music behavior to your days to tap into one of the things that makes you you .

It always helps me to discover new and talented musicians - you know the people who light up the tiny screen on my phone with their passion and vibrancy. The musicians who have to make music because it’s a part of who they are. I love finding passionate artists who aren’t huge stars - because not only does their music move me, I know that I am making a difference to their lives with every like, comment, and share.

Look for music that speaks to the difficulties of the current times. Our human history is rich with music that artists wrote as a direct protest to past injustices. Finding those voices and bringing them back can help you remember that you are a part of something bigger.

Music is proof that emotions and ideas can be transformed into something tangible. It reminds us that we are alive and that being alive is worth celebrating.

This is a quilt by Laura Shaw. It was censored by the AQS due to the artist statement that accompanied it. This work of art was Shaw's response to Roe v. Wade being overturned. Art is political.

2. Art as a Form of Revolution

Nihilism often tells you that nothing matters, so why bother? But what if creating art—drawing, painting, writing, dancing—was an act of rebellion against that mindset? What if making something was your way of proving that you exist and that your thoughts and feelings are real and important?

Art is a mirror and a message. It allows you to express what’s inside of you, even when words fail.

It doesn’t have to be "good." Your art doesn’t need to be impressive or perfect. It just needs to be yours.

Engage in creative activism. If you feel passionate about something—mental health awareness, climate change, social justice—channel that into your art. Change starts with expression. A piece of issue-based art is often the thing that makes someone else pause and think twice about their assumptions.

Rebellion doesn’t always look like protests in the streets. Sometimes, it looks like a sketchbook filled with raw, unfiltered emotions. Every brushstroke, every word, every movement is a refusal to be swallowed by despair. Making you feel hopeless and helpless is often a *calculated tactic* by oppressive people or systems.

Making art, sharing art, consuming art, letting yourself find beauty and joy and meaning in art - this is a direct and radical slap in the face to everyone who might want to keep you down.

Think of making art also as a form of historical archiving. One of the reasons we find ourselves in every new human-made-mess is a failure to learn from history. You can be a part of recording what we are going through right now this very minute, and maybe one day you, or other people, can learn from what you created.

3. Taking Action Steps Toward Personal Goals

One of the most dangerous aspects of nihilism is its ability to make you feel powerless. When nothing seems to matter, it’s easy to believe that your actions don’t make a difference. But small steps toward a personal goal can help break that illusion.

Define what you care about. What excites you? What makes you curious? What would you love to be able to do? If you are still thinking, “I wanted to be a marine biologist, but why even bother taking a college class if this job won’t even exist for me in 10 years…”

I want you to do an experiment, and re-think through those questions while pretending that the current situation you are in is the IDEAL situation. What WOULD excite you, if everything around you was great? What would make you curious IF you were feeling hopeful about the future? What would you love to be able to do IF you assume you’ll be able to do whatever you choose?

Your feelings matter. I’m a therapist, for cryin’ out loud - of course your feelings matter. But sometimes, especially in the face of existential angst - your feelings aren’t the ONLY things that matter. You have to make intellectually-based decisions to take action steps and move forward, even when you don’t feel like it in the moment.

I’m at least 20 years older than the folks I’m writing this for - so I need to give you the benefit of my extra decades of experience. If you stop every time you feel like it, you don’t make progress. But time keeps going. Which means you’re going to look up at some point and feel left behind. Which will make you feel like a failure. Which will make you feel even less capable of taking action steps towards your goals.

So here’s my ask of my teenage clients - even if you don’t feel like energetically and enthusiastically hiking to the top of whatever mountain you’re on - keep taking steps. Little steps. Slow steps. Grumpy steps. Crawl on your hands and knees if you have to, but keep going. Do NOT let external people or circumstances, even if they seem overwhelmingly powerful, steal your future or your capability from you.

Times change. People in power fall or get removed from power. Policies shift. Things go sideways and get righted again. “This too shall pass.” And when it does, the world needs you. Keep working on yourself so that when your time comes to help affect big change, you’re up to the task. You’re worth it. You deserve it. And we need you to remember that.

Okay, fine Roya, I won’t just stare at my wall or doomscroll until I turn 30 - but I’m still feeling like nothing I do matters and the thought of trying to accomplish anything big is exhausting.

I know. Me too. So here’s what we are going to do.

Break it into steps. Instead of overwhelming yourself with a huge dream, focus on what you can do today. Like I said - the steps can be tiny, but they have to be steps.

Celebrate progress. Even tiny victories count. Each step you take builds momentum and reminds you that you are capable of growth.

Oppression steals joy, as much as it steals human rights. It’s okay to celebrate your wins, even if they feel small in the grand scheme of things. We all need joy and being able to celebrate vicarious joy is good for our communities too. It’s the bright spot of my life right now to hear the little successes of my teen clients. Those bright spots help keep me working. Your victories matter more to the rest of the world than you know.

Purpose doesn’t have to be some grand, abstract idea. It can be as simple as finishing a book, learning a skill, or improving at something you love. Make a corner of your home more usable or beautiful. Take care of your body in some way.

4. Helping Someone Younger Than You

One of the fastest ways to combat nihilism is to step outside of yourself and be there for someone else. You might not realize it, but to someone younger than you, you are already a source of wisdom and experience. To this day one of the best gifts I have ever received in my entire life was a mixed tape from my 16 year old cousin when I turned 11. He titled it, “Songs you should know” and it was my introduction to Ani DiFranco, Tori Amos, Fiona Apple and so many more musicians that I still love and listen to. The tape was great - but it was especially meaningful because my older cousin was the one who made it for me, and I looked up to him and his tastes. I have no idea if he knows what an impact that long-ago gift had on me! When I’m done writing this, I’ll have to let him know. You probably also have no idea how much your perspective or actions might mean to someone younger than you.

You might not have a younger cousin right there, but that doesn’t mean you can’t help impact someone in a positive way.

Mentor someone in a skill you know. If you play an instrument, skate, draw, or understand a subject well, you can use this experience to teach younger kids in your neighborhood, family, or maybe siblings of friends. Don’t forget - you don’t need to be a Level 10 Expert to teach a beginner. You just need to be a couple levels above them!

Be the person you needed when you were younger. Even small acts—like listening, giving advice, or just being kind—can make a difference. You don’t need to teach someone to play guitar, you could just…hang out. Value their opinion of the last movie they watched. Play a video game with them. Your time is as valuable as your expertise.

Volunteer if possible. I know this is a kind of cheesy solution to a big problem, but I want you to update your thinking of what “volunteering” might look like. When we think about volunteering, how many of you thought of an animal shelter or soup kitchen first? There’s absolutely nothing wrong (and lots right) with volunteering at either of those kinds of agencies - but that barely scratches the surface of different ways to contribute your skills and time to the world. Lots of the teenagers I’ve worked with think that volunteering will require a lot of face-to-face with other people, and be a potentially huge and scary experience that will only be a good fit for outgoing and extroverted people.

When my kids were little, I would have given my left foot to have a teenager come and play Minecraft with them. I would have been SO grateful to a teen who knew how to set up their accounts, who could have helped read the instructions to them, and who would have just enjoyed the game play next to them. That might have been a great fit for some of you! There are thousands of organizations and individuals out there that you could volunteer for in out-of-the-box ways. If you want to start pursuing this as a possibility - start with people you enjoy being around, or activities you enjoy doing.

You never know who could really benefit from you offering your time, and volunteering can give you a renewed sense of purpose.

5. Being a Conscious Consumer of Media

The internet bombards us with information, opinions, and entertainment. While media can be an escape, it can also contribute to nihilism if we’re not careful. Doomscrolling, mindless consumption, and constant exposure to negativity can reinforce feelings of helplessness.

I have a few rules for myself these days - rules that do change, depending on context - but they’re working for me right now.

Rule 1: Timing Matters

If I notice that I regularly have a negative feeling when engaging with that medium, I don’t let myself turn to it first.

Example: TikTok, right now, is a place of stress for me. I let myself go on TikTok, but I do not let myself open it first thing. I have to get up, shower, drink coffee, and interact with other humans before I watch a video.

Rule 2: Don’t listen to the same news twice.

There are a lot of awful things happening in the world, and a lot of different people are covering that information in a variety of ways. Some of it is satire or comedy, some is good old fashioned legacy media, and others are independent and earnest news sources. If I have already listened to information about an event from one source, I do not allow myself to listen or read from another. What this does is help me with feeling completely overwhelmed with negativity. Let’s say 10 newsworthy things happened today, so I listen to 10 videos about them. I’m educated and up to date with what’s happening in the world. But if I listen to 5 different people report on those 10 news items, now I’ve just listened to 50 different negative stories which doesn’t add any value to my life and only serves to overwhelm and depress me.

Rule 3: Use it as a platform for good.

Every time I go on social media, I repost videos from other creators that I want to amplify. I don’t argue in comments (usually) - but I do try to add support to creators that I think are doing valuable work. This helps me feel purposeful and like I’m adding to the overall goodness in the world.

Am I scrolling Instagram for work? Then set a work goal, and accomplish it. Am I on TikTok because I want to connect to others? Then either connect there, or send a text to a friend for even more connection. Am I on YouTube to learn something? Seek it out. Am I watching for entertainment? Then be picky and make sure it’s actually entertaining. I know this sounds like common sense, but I have found that if I ask myself real quick before I open something, “hey why are you doing that?” I can meet that purpose without drowning in the deluge of unhelpful or unhealthy content that I might get lost in otherwise.

Choose what you consume carefully. Follow creators who inspire you, educate you, or make you feel seen. Engage critically. Instead of passively absorbing everything, ask yourself: Who created this? Why? How does it affect me? What can I do with this information? Take breaks. That might look like not watching YouTube for awhile, or it might mean switching platforms. I’ve been listening to a lot of classic audiobooks lately, for example.

By being intentional about what you consume, you can shift your mindset from passive despair to active engagement with the world around you.

Conclusion: You Are the Author of Your Own Meaning

Fighting nihilism isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about realizing that meaning isn’t something you wait for—it’s something you build, brick by brick, moment by moment. Through music, art, action, mentorship, and conscious engagement with the world, you can carve out a space for yourself that feels real and fulfilling.

You are not alone in this. And you are not powerless. The fact that you are here, reading this, means that something inside of you is still searching for meaning. Keep searching. Keep creating. Keep fighting. I’m proud of you for every step you’re taking.

Need a space to make art and connect with other like minded teens?

I run an online art groups for teens! For $25/week they get up to 3 hours of meeting each week, plus an ongoing discord server! Art is process-based, and the whole thing is super flexible (they don't even need to have their camera on) and no judgment!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Roya’s first book, Connect with Courage: practical ways to release fear and find joy in the places your kids take you is the result of her background in Recreation and Leisure Studies and Marriage and Family Therapy and is the base of her Connect with Courage Parenting Course .

She loves running her private practice, creating art prompts for her two online art groups , and running games and challenges in the free Recreate Parenting Facebook community ! When she's not doing that, she loves to make messes with her three wild & wonderful kids where they live and play hard in Southern California.

How to parent a teenager (5 ways to support your teens)

Sat, 09 Mar 2024 02:53:15 GMT

“I think it’s harder to be a teenager today than it was when we were younger.”

“I think it’s harder to be a teenager today than it was when we were younger,” says a mom in one of my parenting groups. Other parents murmur their agreement. “It feels like they have so much more stuff they’re dealing with. When I was a teenager, I was stressed but all my stress was about my friends and school.

My teenagers are scared of so many things -

their friends have drama, the sexism and racism they see in the world, their futures and feeling capable… it’s like they have all this information but they still don’t know how to handle it.”

It does seem like adolescents in our society today are carrying an awful lot, and it can be easy to forget as their parents that there is always something they might be worrying about.

When teenagers seem moody, when they act distant or pull away from us, when they struggle with focusing on what seems like a simple task, or when they respond to a level 2 question with level 10 intensity - it is important to remember that they are carrying a lot.

It’s also easy to overlook how overwhelmed they might be for a few reasons!

It can be difficult for teenagers to articulate what’s bothering them. They might think you won't understand, or it's just hard to put it into words.
Any direction you look there is something a teenager might worry about! It’s one of those close-your-eyes-and-point situations.
Often, those thoughtful, worried teens know enough to be scared, but lack the ability to process those feelings in a healthy way.
They might understand enough about the big bad world to be scared, but are in that weird transition place as a teenager where they don’t feel like they have much control over their life.

For example, they see the impact that laws have on their lives, but aren’t old enough to vote. Feeling out of control can lead to a lot of behavior that makes them hard to be around. Fear leads to anger and irritability, to isolating or turning inward, or to depression and paralysis.

It’s important to remember that for our teenagers, there is always something deeply compelling happening! We are always interrupting, always.

You know that feeling when you are watching a really dramatic TV show and your body might be washing dishes but your mind is deeply preoccupied with the fictional story line?

When someone tries to talk to you when your brain is full of that compelling story, it can feel like a jarring interruption. You can get irritated with the circumstance that pulled you out of that world.

That irritation can easily come across as anger towards the person doing the interrupting.

It’s easy to feel like our teens are always mad at us or the world, or to feel like they don’t want us to ask questions or participate in their lives. It’s easy to forget what it felt like to be wrapped up in fear of what’s coming next, the loss of what went before, and uncertainty about everything.

So how can we help our teenagers? How can parents support their teenagers? How can we provide resources or recommendations when our teens are overwhelmed, scared, anxious, or feelings lots of pressure?

5 ways parents can support their teenagers:

1. Have perspective

I don’t know if the world really is harder for teenagers right now. Saying “harder” implies that we are comparing to other moments in history. There have been many terrible things that many teenagers have lived through. But the world certainly doesn’t seem set up for it to be *easy* for teenagers.

There aren’t a lot of spaces where teenagers are welcomed.

Many of the resources that exist for little kids don’t exist for teenagers. Things like playgrounds, for example, both indoor and outdoor, exist for kids to play on. But teenagers get "The Look" when they try to hang out there.

Teens need:

huge amounts of social time,
huge amounts of sleep, and
huge amounts of creative outlets.

And yet, our school systems are set up to make them spend huge amounts of time in places where they:

aren’t really supposed to openly socialize,
where their schedule isn’t their own, and
they aren’t in control of the subjects they spend time focusing on.

This system also tells them they’re supposed to have their whole futures figured out and make decisions locking in that future at a time when it can be agonizingly difficult to decide what color hair to have that week. If your teen feels like they don’t quite fit the mold, like they aren’t ready for adulting, or if they don’t know what they want out of life - they can feel like there is something wrong with them.

2. Use Their Interests

This is hands down the single most important thing that I try to convey to my clients, through my webinars, that I wrote about in my book…

use your teenagers interests as the starting point, the stopping point, the end-all-be-all of connecting with your kid.

Supporting their interest is the single best thing you can do for:

your relationship with your teenager,
for their mental health,
and for their future success.

At a bare minimum, do not:

disparage things they love to do,
speak critically of games, music, tv shows - or anything they spend time enjoying, or
act judgmental about what they love.

Doing those things puts up a wall between you and your teenager. Your job is to break down those walls and keep doors open.

You do that by leaning in to their interests. Take it upon yourself to research their favorite video game, find the sound-tracks to their favorite shows, learn the language and the jargon. (If you struggle with the amount of time your teenager spends on screens, check out this blog post! )

One of the things that’s really important about your kids interests? It’s the gateway to finding mentors and places for them to be the expert.

A Little League Lesson

My son is really, really into baseball. We spend a lot of time out on the Little League field. Our league hires teenagers to be the umpires, and this past week we had the single best blue we’ve ever had. He was probably about 16 years old, and I was so impressed with how he made calls with conviction, stood up to pushy parents, and was consistent in his rulings.

But the thing that made me want to find his parents and shake their hands? He educated the kids. Whenever he could, he explained what was happening or why he made the call he did to the 8 and 9 year olds on the field. It was beautiful to hear and watch. He imparted so much experience to each one of those boys.

It was clear that he’d grown up playing ball in the same league. He now has the opportunity to get trained as an umpire and paid to be out on the field doing what he clearly loves to do. So not only was he making our kids better ball players, but he was able to get his first job somewhere he has knowledge and expertise. I’d write that teenager a letter of recommendation in a heartbeat. His passion for baseball is going to be the platform for quite a lot of his success.

When I was a teenager, I experienced the same turn of events - but in the world of ceramics. I’ve watched other teenagers find mentors, jobs, apprenticeships, and the launchpad for their futures in playing video games, wood-working, piano, horseback riding, competitive cow-showing, and more. Support their interests.

Supporting their interests also gives you the opportunity to look for and see their strengths.

Being able to find and articulate their strengths is a really important part of helping your teenager develop their self-esteem, and it can happen most effectively in those places they are naturally drawn to.

3. Stop Asking Questions

You know the feeling when you’re absolutely starving and someone asks you what you want for dinner? You just want to wail or give up. You don’t want to make that decision - you just want someone to put food in your face! I use this example with parents of teens all the time.

Sometimes we think we are being helpful and kind by giving huge amounts of freedom and space for our teenagers to make all their own decisions - but it isn’t as kind as we think it is. They’re hungry and we are asking what they want for dinner.

You’ve heard of decision fatigue - the idea that we have a finite number of decisions we can easily make in one day, and when we go over that limit it’s EXHAUSTING and we make bad decisions.

Teenagers are always in Big-Decision-Making-Mode

They’re deciding who to talk to, what music to listen to, what they’re feeling, what to do with their lives and futures… there’s basically a steady stream of questions happening on B roll in their minds at all time. A loving way to handle this is to provide narrow options that shows you know them well. If we use the dinner example, you might say, “Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich or spaghetti?” But an even more supportive response would be to just bring them a plate of food that you know they love.

How incredibly supported, heard, and loved do you feel if someone puts down a plate of your favorite snacks in front of you? And of course, if they’re not hungry, if they don’t want the snacks… don’t force it onto them! That’s the difference between giving a gift versus being controlling. And while I originally wrote this all as a metaphor for parenting teens…don’t underestimate the power of food.

Have an artsy kid who would benefit from a low-pressure online group for teens?

4. Focus on changing proportions

If you feel like you have limited time to connect with your teen - whether it’s because everyone is busy, or you have other kids, or because they so rarely leave their room… then instead of focusing on the few times you get to see them or talk to them, focus on making sure that the times you DO hang out with them are disproportionately positive.

If you’re only going to see them 4 times that week - make sure at least 3 of them are just straight enjoyable.

DO NOT

Comment on how you’ve barely seen them
Make a "funny" remark about how they've "finally emerged"
Turn anything into a lesson!

Just. Enjoy. Their. Company.

“But Roya,” I hear you say, “What if they don’t want to hang out with ME?” Then it’s time to pull out the sure-fire way of getting your teenager to spend time with you: go get food.

You and I both know that there is somewhere you could say you’re going that would absolutely get them in the car with you. I recently asked this question in my free facebook group, and the responses were delightfully similar.

Grab your keys and tell your teen that you are going to get boba, ice cream, taco bell, starbucks, or whatever the thing is you know they’ll always say yes to.

Then here’s how you level up: just enjoy their company. DO NOT try to impart any kind of worldly adult wisdom. ZERO “I told you so’s” about ANYTHING. Be an easy person to hang out with, and they’ll trust your motives more and more.

5. Check your emotions

Every parent I've ever worked with has experienced some version of these fears:

Urgency : because we know they are just a few short years from “adult”
Helplessness : because we think that when they're out of our homes we won't be able to help them learn everything they'll need
Worry : that their moments of “laziness” indicates an overall character trait that will determine the course of their future.

Parenting from this place of fear leads to desperation, which leads to narrow thinking and prevents creative problem solving and teamwork.

You need to take a step back, a deep breath, and process your feelings in a place separate from your teenager. Do the work.

Figure out why certain behaviors of theirs trigger you. What values of yours does it feel like they’re at odds with? Work on having more awareness of yourself so that you can shift your actions.

This is hard to do on your own, and a big reason I offer the 10 week Connect with Courage parenting course.

Checking your own emotions doesn’t mean not providing any feedback. But when you do it from a less personal place, you’re able to listen without judgment and do one more thing that’s really critical: observe with curiosity.

You can make observations and ask questions that are genuine. You can be truly wondering about what drives your teenager. You can be on the same team as you make observations about their behavior or their life and it invites them to make their own observations and articulate their understanding.

So my parenting friends - be curious. Be understanding of what your teenagers lives are full of, and respect that they are very, very full. Pay attention to what they love and show that you value it in every way you can. You have my official, professional permission to throw away all the heavy and focus on enjoying your creative, intense, stressed, hard-working teenagers as often as you can.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Is six year old manipulating mama??

Mon, 15 Jan 2024 02:30:06 GMT

A Parent Wrote...

"My 6 year old son tries to turn consequences into pity parties for himself and I’m so torn on what to do.

He’s an only child, but very close with his (younger) cousins. They’re at our home a lot, they’re more like siblings. They typically play together quite well, but…

My son has always had a hard time keeping his hands to himself, sometimes really bad stuff like punching, hair pulling or pinching.

When he gets physical with one of his cousins (usually play related disputes) we take the cousin away from the game and say “we won’t let you hurt your cousin”.

He then proceeds to get really upset, cry, scream, etc.. and then immediately goes into “I need a hug! I need a hug!”.

Now, I understand that he’s upset and is looking for help regulating, but I’m soothing/caring for the “hurt” friend at that point. His consequence is that we have left the game/his general area because he couldn’t keep his hands to himself, and he now wants me to comfort/snuggle him through his consequence (defeating the consequence all together).

While a big part of me wants to sit with him and comfort him, it really feels like manipulation, too. It feels like he doesn’t want to be in trouble and that he wants to make the situation all about him.

I feel like he shouldn’t get to hurt someone and then get a hug.

Any thoughts?"

In this podcast episode, I break down the divisive language this parent is using to talk about her son - and discuss what they can do differently for less hitting and kicking! Welcome to Season 2 episode 3 of the Recreate Parenting Podcast.

Six year old manipulating mama?

Rather watch the video? Here you go!

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group)

use code BecauseILikeYou for a free month

Connect with Courage Parenting Course (10 week online course)

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Feisty Five Year Old

Mon, 15 Jan 2024 01:59:21 GMT

A Parent Wrote...

"I have a feisty 5 year old little daughter . She has always been somewhat of handful lol she’s very sassy , a little hardheaded and really blunt & nonchalant about mostly everything. We have rules in my house that I reiterate daily (literally) I’m big on manners so I expect yes ma’am , no ma’am , please , thank you , excuse me etc. I expect for her to do what I ask without a lot of huffing and puffing (essentially I don’t ask her to do much) small things like keep her toys tidy , clean up messes she makes , take care of her hair her teeth (I do this for her but she hates it and I constantly explain to her hygiene is important ) I expect her to respect others , to not be a bully , be kind use kind words and overall you know just try and be a good person. We have these conversations DAILY cause I want to instill these things in her. My daughter confuses me because she does things like this: last night she got into my phone and took over a 100 pictures with her middle finger up and her tongue out thinking she was cute. This morning I asked her: I said why did you take these photos she said “idk” I said well are we allowed to be doing these kind of things she said “no” I asked her if she knew it was wrong and she said “yes”. Even though I preach these things to her she STILL does these behaviors and she verbalizes that it is wrong but seems as though she does not care. I’m at a loss here. People will think my kid has no home training when In actuality she does she just does not care or acts like she doesn’t idk. What should I do."

In this podcast episode, I try very hard to have compassion........but honestly? Mama, this one is on you. Let's talk about NOT talking! Welcome to Season 2 episode 2 of the Recreate Parenting Podcast.

Feisty Five Year Old

Rather watch the video? Here you go!

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose Group)

use code BecauseILikeYou for a free month

Connect with Courage Parenting Course (10 week online course)

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Intentionally Ruining Her Food

Mon, 15 Jan 2024 00:25:44 GMT

A question from a concerned parent...

How do you handle it when your child intentionally ruins their food? My 4 year old specifically asked for teriyaki noodles for dinner. She's eaten them before and she loves them. This time, she intentionally poured her drink in her noodles. She only apologized once she was caught and then asked for more noodles because she didn't want hers anymore. How would you discipline your child in this situation? I want her to learn from this that we don't waste food. Would you ONLY offer them their ruined noodles for the rest of the night (when they say they're hungry or want different noodles)? Or would you make them more?

What a very, very rich paragraph to talk about. In this podcast episode, I dive into what a 4 year old does intentionally, making kids apologize, the adult baggage of "waste," and how to be on their team so you both have better relationships with each other, and with food. Here you gooooo

4 year old intentionally ruining food

Rather watch the video? Here you go!

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group)

use code BecauseILikeYou for a free month !

Connect with Courage Parenting Course (10 week online course)

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

7 Things Adults Need to Get Over

Fri, 08 Dec 2023 01:54:53 GMT

Oh my absolute DARLIN's - if I got measure success by the amount of art I get to make with other people - this week was WILDLY successful.

I started an online art group for teen-ish aged folks, and it was a wildly wonderful experience. Turns out - video chat is the perfect vehicle for this kind of thing, because participants could truly show up in the way that made them most comfortable. I absolutely loved getting to do process art with these kids and teens, and I'm looking forward to each future session. In any case - beginning this group this week had me feeling some kinda way, and I was thinking about how much stuff grown-ups have to unlearn to unleash their creativity.

So here you have it --

7 Things Adults Have to Let go of to be More Creative!

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreate Teen Online Art Group (membership open! We meet on Tuesdays)

The Recreative Online Art Group for Adults (formerly the Play with Purpose Group) use code BecauseILikeYou for a free month

and a favorite book of mine - Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg.

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Journal prompts for creative moms

Wed, 29 Nov 2023 20:50:33 GMT

Hey there, creative mamas! �� Life as a mom and a creative spirit is a wild ride, isn't it? Juggling art projects, story times, and endless snacks can sometimes leave us feeling like our own passions are on the back burner. But fear not – there's a secret weapon many of us are under utilizing: journaling. Let's chat about how this simple practice can be a game-changer for both your mom game and your creative mojo.

The Creative Mama Conundrum

We get it. Being a mom is like being the ringmaster of a chaotic circus, and sometimes it feels like your creative dreams are stuck in the audience. Journaling is like your backstage pass to reclaiming center stage, allowing you to express yourself while still acing the mom act.

Scribble Your Feelings Away

Ever find yourself on the edge of mom burnout? Same here. Journaling is like a cup of tea for your soul. Pour out your thoughts, fears, and victories on paper. It's a judgment-free zone, and the act of writing is like a hug for your emotions.

Doodling Dreams and Sparking Ideas

Your journal is a judgment-free zone for your creativity too. Sketch out those wild ideas, jot down snippets of inspiration, or just doodle your heart out. The pages are your canvas, waiting for the magic only you can create.

Stress Busting 101

Mom life is full of unexpected twists and turns. Journaling is your superhero cape against stress. Pour out the overwhelm, embrace the chaos on paper, and watch as the weight lifts. It's your personal therapy session, available 24/7.

Share the Love – Online and Off

Guess what? You're not alone in this journey. Take your journaling journey online and connect with fellow creative mamas. Share the highs, the lows, and all the doodles in between. Building a community of support can make the rollercoaster of motherhood a bit more thrilling.

If you want to do this kind of work in a guided and supported way, make sure to check out the Play with Purpose Membership Group . Use the code "BecauseILikeYou" for a free month!

Dear creative mama, your story is a masterpiece in the making. Journaling is your paintbrush, your microphone, and your sanctuary. Embrace the chaos, scribble your heart out, and let your creativity soar. The pages are waiting, and so is your own magical journey from chaos to canvas. Here's to you – the artist, the mom, the superhero of your story. ��✨

Journal Prompts

What are 3 things you can do to show support of your kids in secret?

What are 10 words that describe your child's strengths?

What are 5 ways you wish you'd been supported more as a kid?

What are 10 different benefits of your kid's favorite activity?

What are 5 games you love to play and why?

What are 3 fears you have for your kid's future?

What are 5 things you hope you will never regret?

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Things I Hope for YOU

Wed, 18 Oct 2023 06:17:37 GMT

I work with a lot of wonderful people. Between my hard-working and conscientious clients, the folks who show up weekly to be creative in my Play with Purpose Group, and the thousands of parents I speak to at conferences and webinars -- I am surrounded by a huge number of incredibly engaged, thoughtful parents. This post was born out of parenting success stories, and thinking about some of those wonderful people I've had the pleasure of meeting --

so without further ado, here are

5 Things I Hope for You

As always - if you want to do this kind of work in a guided and supported way, make sure to check out the Play with Purpose Membership Group . Use the code "BecauseILikeYou" for a free month!

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group )

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

How to be a playful parent when the world is falling apart

Wed, 16 Aug 2023 05:42:26 GMT

Things are on fire. Often literally. There are hurting people hurting people all over the world. You're exhausted, you have so much going on. And yet - your kids still need you to play.

How do you play when it feels like the world is falling apart? Great question - and one I get asked frequently. The short answer is don't be fake. There are still ways to play even if you can't fake cheerfulness. Great news - it's good for your kids, and for you too.

Listen and watch episode 6 of the Recreate Parenting podcast below. If you need more help in the playfulness department, check out the free Recreate Parenting group here!

How to be a playful parent when the world is falling apart

listen here:

Watch here:

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group)

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Time, obsession, and how to lean in

Thu, 03 Aug 2023 17:14:36 GMT

Your kid is on hour 4 of Minecraft. They haven't moved a muscle - except for their mouse hand - in at least 27 minutes. They can't still be getting something of value out of this...can they?!

You might be wondering - how many hours a day should a 12 year old spend on a screen? Is this a YouTube addiction? Should I set limits on their screen time? How do you parent when they WANT to spend all their time doing that one thing?

I'm a licensed therapist who happens to focus on parenting AND I have degrees in recreation and leisure studies. This makes me uniquely qualified to talk about all the great things that come from your kid's recreation, leisure, and play choices!

Here's a podcast where I talk specifically on what to do when your kid spends All Their Time doing that one thing - and...by the way - my focus is on you getting to enjoy your children, NOT become the bad guy.

As always - if you want to do this kind of work in a guided and supported way, make sure to check out The Recreative Online art group . Use the code "BecauseILikeYou" for a free month!

Time, obsession, and how to lean in.

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group)

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

The Art of Incomplete

Mon, 24 Jul 2023 22:39:55 GMT

It's hard to know when to push a kid or let them stop something. This episode is all about the Art of Incomplete.

You'll hear a lot of stories of my life at the Cypress College Ceramics Studio. The photos below are a handful of the very, very few pictures I have of that incredibly formative time of my life! I was too busy throwing cups to take any pictures, apparently...

As always - if you want to do this kind of work in a guided and supported way, make sure to check out the Play with Purpose Membership Group . Use the code "BecauseILikeYou" for a free month!

The A rt of Incomplete

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group)

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Self Portraits Parents Should Make

Tue, 18 Jul 2023 21:09:31 GMT

Most of the parents I work with as clients absolutely adore their kids! Many, many of them are also trying to break a generational pattern of parenting -- which requires so much self-work!

Obviously, as a therapist, I am a big fan of parents heading to therapy to process whatever baggage they come to parenting with. However, sometimes we don't want to talk about it... or we need a vehicle with which to process. That's where these 5 creative self portraits come in!

Check out my podcast on 5 creative and easy self-portraits parents should make -- each technique is designed for a different type of exploration and processing. I'd LOVE to be tagged in pictures if you make any of them! And as always - if you want to do this kind of work in a guided and supported way, make sure to check out the Play with Purpose Membership Group . Use the code "BecauseILikeYou" for a free month!

Don't forget to check out a few samples of these self portraits in the pictures below!

5 Self Portraits Parents Should Make!

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose Group)

Transcript Coming Soon!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Ways I Learned to Play More

Sun, 16 Jul 2023 17:59:12 GMT

Most parents understand that there are a huge number of benefits of play - including more connection with your kids. But so many of us struggle with being playful enough!

Check out my podcast on 5 ways I learned to play more. Five concrete suggestions to help you overcome those barriers and be more playful!

5 Ways I Learned to Play More

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group)

Episode Transcript:

One of the most common questions I get asked by parents in my practice and at conferences and things is how can I play more with my kids? Many, many, many parents I work with understand the huge number of benefits to be more playful, but there's something standing in their way.

If you're like me that something might be that you've got a lot of work to get done, or you're aware of there being like, you know, big scary world stuff, and so you're not super playful right now. Or maybe you just don't love that. Like, make believe play or you find throwing a ball back and forth, back and forth to be a little repetitive and not the world's most fascinating aspect.

That being said, we are playful creatures. All mammals playing and humans are right in there with them can play is really, really good for us. Feeling important for our connection to work, appreciate, understand and applaud the parents who are looking for ways to be more playful.

So here are five ways that I learned to play more.

Number one is to ask kids for instruction. If your kids are anything like mine, they usually have a pretty clear idea of things they like to do, and are very willing to give you ideas, suggestions, sometimes even the script of what to say sometimes, sometimes it's my hand moving the little figurines, and I'd say the lines that they tell me to say, and that's what they want. They want me engaged and they want me there but I don't necessarily need to be the world's most inventive person.

And other ways to take instruction from them is to do something fun and kind of flip the regular script of who's in charge. My kids love to have yesterday's or yes hours or 15 minutes, whatever we have, where they get to be in charge of stuff.

Or sometimes we let the flip of the coin.

Actually, that was one of our most memorable birthdays for my son was when we decided to use a coin toss.

We decided to all get in the truck all together and every time we came to a different direction we would turn left or right based on what the coin said.

So whether it's asking your kids for instruction, letting them be in charge or coming up with some other kind of technique that can drive your play. It doesn't all have to come from the second one is to imitate playful people.

This is a big I think a lot of times we feel like because we're not naturally playful. We don't really feel playful that we just can't play. That's a really big barrier and we get to knock it off because we can totally just copy people that we know we're playful.

If you don't know anyone, there's a lot of TV shows. I would start with Bluey, to be honest, playing the games that they play.

If you know people who are great at being playful, invite them over, go hang out with them, go to the park with them. Look at what they do and copy it. It reminds me a lot when you're learning how to do art. It's a totally valid technique to trace and copy and copy and copy art that you really like and admire. Eventually, you'll be able to do it well and then you can take it on and make it your own. But at the very beginning, copying somebody else is a solid way to learn. And the same goes for playfulness.

My third tried and true technique is to start with a costume.

I did this all the time. If I'm not feeling particularly playful, and know that my famil needs it, I go put on a hat. I go put on some sort of costume, my favorite’s probably my renaissance fair dress. I find some butterfly wings, put on face paint, I do something even if it's just wearing a fancy dress, something to get us out of the ordinary. Add just that touch of whimsy to our day. But don't even have to change what we're doing. I might still be doing errands I might still be doing the dishes, whatever it is that we're doing, but now we're doing it Phantom.

When you start with a costume, you get yourself out of the ordinary. Sometimes it can help you get in a slightly different character and it's just sort of a cue to your mind that you get to let go of the day to day and do something really special.

You can get your kids in on it. Of course they can wear different costumes or you can all swap clothes or everyone wears some silly mask or whatever it is. Doesn't really matter. But you've got something in your house right now. Even if you don't have an entire classroom literally close like we do. You've got something that you can add to your day to day to change it up.

Number four is to set a timer. This is one of the things that I've come to realize that if I am reading, I realized that I'm dreading the thought of the open ended.

I'm thinking about my whole to do list and thinking about all the things I want to get done. And if I say yes to play, it feels like that's going to be the rest of my day.

And that's not always feasible. And sometimes the thought of having to do something for hours and hours makes it so I don't even start for two minutes.

So setting agreed upon time with your kids makes everyone understand and relax and be able to trust that you're gonna get a certain amount of weight.

So maybe it's an hour, maybe it's five minutes, but whatever it is, set that timer, communicate what's going to happen and then live by it. do other things during that time. If you've only set your timer for 10 minutes to play, can't be on your phone and can't do work. You can't do the other stuff. Just set aside everything else and play but that part of your brand is worried that it will be never ending gets to be quiet because you know there will be an end to it.

And as far as your kids go, they know that they're gonna get your whole hearted full attentiveness and playfulness for that amount of time.

Sometimes it's only to the brain because just a little bit, get started. And then there's nothing stopping you from continuing that timer, doing five minutes again, doing five minutes again, doing five minutes again, or say once an hour, we're gonna set the alarm for 10 minutes something whatever it is that everybody's on it.

And number five goes hand in hand with setting a timer, which is to play first and work second.

This one was a hard one for me. I really, unfortunately, kept coming to the table with my kids thinking I've just got this one thing to do. I just have to do this one email or I just have to write this one. Whatever that one thing was I'm just gonna do that real quick and then I'll play. Of course, work is never ending. One thing leads to another leads to another.

And while my kids are relatively patient they're still children as are yours. And it wasn't really fair to ask him to hold on to that long.

So I flipped it. I started saying okay, we're gonna play and then I'm going to do the work. And I thought of it more as you know, filling their bucket up. So that basically station meeting with that sense of playfulness, connecting time. And then I'd say “okay, cool. We just played. That was awesome. Thank you so much. Now I'm gonna go over here and I'm gonna do this other thing I need to do.”

Everyone was happier. We had so much less tension and begging and no come back and interruptions and all of that. So flip it, play first, do the work second.

This barely scratched the surface on ways that you can play more with your kids. But they're a good place to start. If you've got anything else tried and true to just kind of get over that hurdle and play more with kids. I would love to hear about it. Please let me know.

And in the meantime, I'm going to give you all some homework to go play. Set a timer, even 10 minutes today put on some costumes, and go play with your kids. You will all appreciate it

I hope you enjoyed this episode of Recreate Parenting Podcast . As always, I want to invite you to set aside and honor some time for creativity every single week by joining The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group). You can find information about that and everything else has to offer for you creative parents at Royadedeaux.com .

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Ugly Art - Why Parents Should Be Making It

Sat, 15 Jul 2023 18:56:37 GMT

Have a lot going on? More than a little overwhelmed? Finding yourself getting irritated with your kids?

Here's my solution:

Make Ugly Art!

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group)

Ugly Art Time lapse

Episode Transcript:

Welcome to Recreate Parenting, the podcast from licensed therapist and author Roya Dedeaux. We're going to talk about creative tools for more connection so that you can release fear and find joy and all of the places your kids take. This podcast is especially wonderful for those of you feel like your families don't quite get to mold

So just a little backstory here. I've got three kids under the age of 10. I run my own business, and that business takes a lot of my time. I have a private practice with a bunch of clients every week. I'm an author. I speak on podcasts I write I do all my own marketing, my social media, my bookkeeping, all of the things, not to mention, I homeschool and my kids are very, very social and involved in a lot of things. I have a house I'm trying to maintain a social life, my own family, friends, all this kind of stuff, you know, clean laundry every once in a while is good.

At the time I'm recording this I also have a 10 week old puppy, a cat, a bearded dragon or tortoise. You know we have assorted animals and science projects and Girl Scouts in basketball and karate. And all sorts of things. So not to make your like, you know, heart rate go up or your blood pressure increase. But I just want to give a little bit of a picture of the fact that I have a lot of stuff going on. Most of it's lovely. Most of it is stuff that I have worked really hard to be able to have in my life.

And I certainly frequently get overwhelmed.

I frequently have the feeling of things you're supposed to be away. And if I could just work harder, I can make it be that way or I can make it better.

I also know that those two feelings are a huge barrier to my connecting with my kids and enjoying the life that I have created for myself.

So when I start to feel overwhelmed, like it's just back to back appointments or back to back drudgery of you know, household maintenance. When I find myself picking up, you know, the blueberries that have spilled on the floor for the 50th time that day thinking to myself, I have a master's degree, I have a master's degree I have a master's degree or when I find that I am getting irritable with my kids or my husband and I know they really don't deserve it. But I just have this like crankiness that is in me waiting to get out in some way. That's what I know I need to make ugly art.

Making ugly art is one of my favorite tools for creative parenting. I think it does so many wonderful things for our brains. I think it's an important thing to practice on a regular basis. And in this episode, I want to talk to you really specifically about what it is how to do it, and why to do it.

So ugly art is exactly what it sounds like. It's making something almost on purpose to not look good. The idea is to just completely ignore what the end result will be. Not to think about technique or the right way. Or even that like this goes well with that. You don't want to be thinking about the product in any way, shape or form. You want to give yourself total permission and like try to make something ugly.

So for me what that often looks like because I always have watercolors handy is watercolor painting. It's just putting paint on the paper. It's putting together color combinations that I would not find beautiful unnecessarily. It's making squiggly lines. It's deciding suddenly to just like take a really dark color and paint over half of it. It's scraping away parts of it. It's maybe using my non-dominant hand. It's giving myself total permission to really experiment with whatever is on the paper.

Your ugly art could be collage it could be acrylics, it could be crayons, it could be whatever kind of medium you want to use. I just really happen to love watercolors and they are very handy and I have them accessible all the time.

So here's what I do. I start by just reminding myself that this is for the next 10 minutes or so going to be an exercise in making ugly art. I remind myself very actively that the end goal is just to spend time putting crap on paper and not thinking at all about the end result.

And then I start. If it's hard to get started, close your eyes.

Again, switch hands, paint with the paintbrush between your toes instead of your fingers. I mean there's all sorts of ways to just start getting marks on the paper because I make ugly art when I'm feeling overwhelmed. A lot of times the beginning is very dynamic. It's kind of a cathartic physical experience more than about the paint. It's jabs or slashes or that kind of you know, energetic stroke on the paper.

So I do that: I just keep doing that. And I try to pay attention not to how it looks but how it feels, or the movement of the water and the pigment on paper.

At some point, I can feel my breathing change. At some point it's almost like my hand and that paintbrush have a mind of its own. At some point. I'm just kind of following it. And that's when it turns into almost moving meditation, where again, it's still not about the end product, but the process is pulling something different out of net go until I'm out of time or I'm out of paper or I'm out of paint or the papers so soggy, it's ripping.

Usually by that time I can tell my breathing has changed and my posture is a little different. I'm noticing smaller details. It feels good.

It really does.

So I have five big benefits of making ugly art but that's really the first one. It just feels good. It feels really good. Part of what feels good. Is the first benefit. It's the permission, giving yourself permission to just do whatever. I mean, think about it- when in the rest of your life do you really have that? When your kids really have that? I think you know this whole podcast is about how we can incorporate creativity and that kind of thing in with your parenting and making ugly art is a crucial piece for me. Because not only is it a good outlet and everything for myself, but it also reminds me that we need to be given permission sometimes to just exist. To not think about the outcome, to not think about, you know, how something looks, but just to be.

The movement meditation is a second huge benefit. I don't sit still well. I don't. I'm not a quiet inward kind of a person. A lot of the people I work with in my client base also have ADHD. We're not really like the sit still with our thoughts, population. And so doing this kind of artwork where the focus is on what's happening on the page and your breathing and everything adjusts as a result. It’s as close to meditation as I'm ever going to get and it feels good and it has all the same benefits as other kinds of thought based meditation.

A third big benefit is that it aids our curiosity.

Since we're not going into these ugly art projects with an outcome in mind, it opens up our brain to be curious about what's going to happen next, to be curious about what happens if I put these two colors together. What happens if I smashed this color all over this other side of it? What happens if I erase this piece? What happens if I rip it up and start over? That what if what happens if that's a muscle that we get to exercise? And I think curiosity is one of the most important traits to foster in ourselves as parents and also in our kids.

The fourth benefit is that it allows us to turn off that inner editor voice. We all have it and it serves a function. We need an editor. We need to be able to think critically about things and to sort through big piles of stuff and you know, triage things and critique and all of that, like that's an important skill to have. But we have to be able to have moments where we turn it off.

And that brings me to the last benefit. Well not really the last one but the last one I'm going to say right now, which is that we all need time where there are no expectations of us and no pressure. We need it as parents because oh my goodness, there's a lot on our shoulders. And it's a good reminder that our kids need it too and this is one amazing way to actively spend some solid focused minutes where there is no pressure, no expectation of a final result, or an end product. And we just get to make ugly art and we get to wallow in it and be in the moment. In the experience with zero pressure.

When you do this, and you experience the like amazing relief that comes as a result of it. It's also a really stark contrast. And you kind of start to realize how much pressure you're experiencing in other parts of your life even if you weren't aware of it. So you need it. We need ugly art time. We really really do.

I put a time lapse video of some of my more recent ugly art making up on my Instagram and other social media and so if you make some ugly art, let me know I don't need to see the end product because again, that's not the point of it, but I would love to hear what you got out of that experience.

So go for it. Go make some ugly art

I hope you enjoyed this episode of Recreate Parenting Podcast . As always, I want to invite you to set aside and honor some time for creativity every single week by joining the Recreative Online Art Group (formerly known as the Play with Purpose group). You can find information about that and everything else has to offer for you creative parents at Royadedeaux.com

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

9 Effective Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

Fri, 14 Jul 2023 00:36:35 GMT

Hey there, parents! Licensed therapist Roya Dedeaux here, once again ready with the unsolicited parenting advice :D (Hey, I can't do it during sessions, so I need to get it out somewhere) Today we are talking specifically about boosting your kid's self-esteem!

One of the most common reasons clients come to me is because of anxiety. Anxiety that prevents your kids from doing things they want to do. Things they'd enjoy. Things that would be good for them.

Have you ever looked at your kid and known they'd enjoy an activity, but they doubt their own capabilities, so they don't even try? I think that's one of the hardest things about being a parent -- watching your own kid doubt themselves, and not knowing how to help boost their self-confidence.

So here you go my parenting peeps -

9 effective ways to boost your child's self-esteem.

1. Embrace Your Inner Cheerleader

Okay, parents, it's time to channel your inner cheerleader! Put on that glittery pom-pom hat and be their number one fan. Support your child's dreams, no matter how wild or strange they may seem. This means supporting them in whatever their interests are - speaking proudly of their accomplishments, whatever they are. You don't get to cheer louder for soccer than for Minecraft. Cheer for all their interests.

2. Teach Them the Art of Sassy Comebacks

Life is full of critics, so why not equip your child with some sassy comebacks? There is something really powerful about lightly dismissing criticism. Water off a duck's back, and all that. Teach them the power of wit and humor when faced with negative comments or bullies. That outer voice will become their inner voice - even when the critic is their own self-doubt.

3. Encourage Their Inner Weirdo

Please do the work necessary to put aside your own thoughts of what your child is "supposed" to be like, do, or behave like. Embrace your child's uniqueness and celebrate their quirks. Encourage them to express their individuality and explore their interests, no matter how unconventional. Remember, the world needs more people who are unafraid to be themselves - and your early support of their unique qualities is what turns into their self-confidence later!

Building Self-Confidence in your Kids

How to turn "I can't" into "I can"

30 minute parenting webinar

4. Turn Failures into Epic Adventures

Life is full of failures, but that doesn't mean they have to be a downer. Teach your child to see failures as epic adventures rather than soul-crushing moments. Help them learn from their mistakes and embrace the idea that failure is just a stepping stone to success. If this is hard to do out in the world, try some process art! Make crafty failures on purpose and see what you can do with them.

5. Shower Them with Specific Compliments

Forget the traditional compliments with boring adjectives. Get creative and specific with your commentary. Let them know you notice how they persevered during that game, how they handled a difficult situation with grace, and how you appreciated their creative approach to that other thing that happened. Giving specifics about their wonderful qualities gives you more credibility and the compliment more oomph!

6. Level Up

Play video games! Seriously! Video games are one of the most sure-fire places to practice all the qualities we need to boost self esteem: putting in lots of time to accomplish a goal, using resources effectively, failing and trying over and over again, pride and joy in successes!

7. Make Failure a Family Tradition

Let's make failure a family tradition worth celebrating! Share your own stories of failures and setbacks with your child. By normalizing failure and showing them that even adults make mistakes, you'll teach them resilience and the value of perseverance. Make sure you are honest with what qualities you see in them that will help them overcome future failures as well.

8. Give Them a Superhero Alter Ego

Every child needs a superhero alter ego! Help your little one create a fun and imaginative persona that embodies their strengths and values. Whether they become Captain Courage or a magical dragon creature, this alter ego will empower them to face challenges with confidence and bravery. Put it on paper - make art with this persona in mind. Help them connect the dots between the alter ego and their day to day self.

9. Start a Confidence Jar

Boost your child's self-esteem with a confidence jar. Fill it with colorful notes highlighting their achievements, positive traits, and moments of pride. Whenever they need a confidence boost, they can reach into the jar and read these uplifting reminders. It's like a magic potion of self-esteem! The more specific they are, the better. Added points if they contribute a few of their own.

BONUS 10. Get even more tools!

Want more help boosting your kid's self esteem?

30 Minute Parenting Webinar

designed to Boost Your Kid's Self Esteem

by licensed therapist Roya Dedeaux

Turn "I Can't" into "I Can!"

30 minutes of creative & concrete solutions for parents of kids of all ages.

Enjoy your kiddos, and let me know if you use any of these tools!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Adulting and other Questions from Life is Good Unschooling Conference

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 00:19:26 GMT

Whenever possible, you'll find me every Memorial Day weekend in a lodge in Washington where the bird song is piped into the hallways and the children only run slightly feral.

The LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference is a regular event I am honored to speak at - and this past year I did 3 sessions to parents and teenagers. I was asked so many thoughtful questions that I wanted a place to gather them and respond thoroughly. So this blog post is going to be a bit of an ongoing collection as I write and record and keep adding.

As many of you know, I was pulled from school at the end of 4th grade, and returned only to start taking community college courses when I was about 13. Now that I'm a parent, we homeschool as well. I'm coming at these questions from my personal life as an unschooled kid, as a homeschooling parent, as a recreation and leisure professor, AND as a licensed therapist.

Hover over the photo with the question - and if I've responded, you'll see a button with the link!

If your teen or young adult is scared that they don't have what it takes for that Next Big Step - then this parenting webinar is a great resource for you.

It's a 30 minute, solution-focused webinar for parents who are trying to help their teenagers and young adult kids with launch anxiety.

My webinars are always pay-what-you-can, and available for immediate download.

If you're interested in attending the next one live, and getting access to a Q&A and raffle - go here!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Parenting During the Teen Years

Tue, 02 May 2023 21:18:24 GMT

Parenting is a demanding and complex task, and just as you think you mayyyybe have a handle on it - they grow and develop and suddenly everything changes!

Here are some of the key differences between parenting teens and younger children

Parenting teenagers is different than parenting younger children in many ways, and it requires a unique set of skills and strategies. In this blog post, we will explore these differences and provide some tips for parents who are navigating this challenging and exciting stage of parenthood.

1. Communication is Key

One of the most significant differences between parenting teens and younger children is communication. As children enter their teenage years, they begin to assert their independence and develop their own identities. They may become less willing to listen to their parents and more interested in talking to their peers. THIS IS HEALTHY! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS!

To effectively communicate with teens, parents must be willing to listen and be open-minded. They should avoid being judgmental and instead strive to understand their child's perspective. Parents should also encourage their teens to express their thoughts and feelings and be willing to engage in discussions about sensitive or challenging topics. Parents: meet them where they're at. Seriously. If you want them to be open, you gotta be willing to hear things you don't love, or to look for the good in their favorite YouTubers, musicians, and video games.

If you struggle with the amount of TV they watch, check out this post about why kids want to watch the same thing over and over again!

2. Setting Clear Boundaries

Another difference between parenting teens and younger children is the need for boundaries. While you might feel that younger children may require more structure and rules to help them feel secure, teenagers need space to explore their independence and make their own decisions. Even things that feel like BAD decisions need to be theirs to make!

However, this does not mean that parents should abandon all rules and boundaries. Instead, parents should work with their teens to work towards a shared vision of how you ALL want your family and life to look like. Use their input! Ask for their expertise! It's your job as the adult to trust them more and more in the decision-making process. Big picture conversations about goals and principles are so much more helpful than rigid rules and consequences.

3. Teaching Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is another significant difference between parenting teens and younger children. While younger children may be more emotional and easily overwhelmed, teens often struggle with regulating their emotions in a healthy way.

Parents can help their teens learn how to manage their emotions by modeling healthy coping strategies, such as using game play as catharsis and an emotional outlet - here is a post about a great visualization for parents! They can also encourage their teens to seek professional support if they are struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges.

Check out this 30 minute webinar for parents on helping their teens navigate their big feelings. This is often where parents get triggered and this webinar gives you practical tools for handling that!

4. Navigating Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is a common concern for parents of teenagers. As teens become more independent, they may be more susceptible to the influence of their peers.

To help teens resist negative peer pressure, parents need to earn credit with their kids - which happens in small ways every day. Help your kids trust THEMSELVES and they will be more likely to develop positive social connections. This means allowing your teens to make decisions on how they spend their time, what they watch, what they eat, and what they do. You need to show you trust them so they trust themselves.

Bonus: If they know you trust them and they trust you - when you ask them to think critically about some one, they are less likely to dismiss it!

5. Understanding Technology Use

Technology is a significant difference between parenting teens and younger children. Today's teens are growing up in a world where technology is an integral part of their daily lives, and parents must be aware of the potential risks and benefits of technology use.

To help teens navigate technology use, please remember that phones, tablets, computers and TVs are all just tools! They are helpful tools for teens to get the social connection and group belonging that is so important for them at this age. Remember that there is no such thing as "enough time" for teenagers - they need an abundance of sleep, of friend time, and of cocooning time. Here's a post answering your questions about how much YouTube kids should watch!

6. Encouraging Responsibility

As teens approach adulthood, they need to take on more responsibility for their actions and decisions. Parents can support their teens in this process by giving them opportunities to make choices and learn from their mistakes. But please remember parents - it's not about setting your teenagers up for mistakes they can learn from. It's about helping them feel like they matter.

Parents should provide guidance and support to facilitate their teens having opportunities where they have an actual real, responsible role. Where they can see their contribution, and how they can make an impact.

7. Embracing Independence

Finally, independence is a critical difference between parenting teens and younger children. As teens become more independent, parents must learn how to let go and trust their teens to make their own decisions.

This can be challenging for parents who are used to being in control. However, it's essential to recognize that letting go is a natural part of the parenting process and that teens need space to grow and develop.

But your teens, and even your young adult children, will always need you. This is why establishing a relationship where you enjoy each other, play games, and have fun is so important. Because even while they are out becoming more and more independent - you can still enjoy kicking their butts at Mario Kart, sending funny TikToks, and being the person they come to when they need help or just want to hang out.

Tips for Parenting Teens

Now that we've explored some of the key differences between parenting teens and younger children check out this upcoming webinar for parents who are navigating this challenging and exciting stage of parenthood.

Feelings Feeling - Teen Edition

Helping Teens Identify and Process Big Emotions

for parents of teens & young adults

30 Minute Parenting Webinar

by licensed therapist

Roya Dedeaux, LMFT 95302

Donations Appreciated but not required.

Q&A and Raffle afterwards

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Ways to Repair Your Parenting Mistakes

Wed, 19 Apr 2023 21:15:33 GMT

As a therapist, I often work with parents who are struggling with the guilt and shame of past parenting mistakes. It's important to remember that parenting is a challenging journey, and no one is perfect. HOWEVER, I am forever cranky about the "support groups" out there who say, "it's okay mama, you're doing your best" without any kind of help moving forward to actually do better.

If you aren't happy with your parenting - if you feel guilty, resentful, or confused - those emotions are there to help you know you want to do something different.

Here are 5 steps you can take to repair the damage and create a healthier, happier relationship with your children.

In this post, I'll share some tips for repairing your parenting mistakes.

1. Understand Your Child's Perspective

In order to repair your relationship with your child, it's important to understand their perspective. Full. Stop.

When you are setting out to make a repair - you need to be selfless in understanding their perspective. No hidden agendas. You aren't trying to listen and understand in order to change their perspective. Take the time to listen to their thoughts and feelings about the situation. No fixes yet, no solutions. No asking them to understand you. You're the parent, you get to be the grown up during this phase of repair. If you struggle with this kind of compartmentalization, try this visualization exercise.

2. Acknowledge Your Mistakes

The next step in repairing your parenting mistakes is acknowledging them. It can be difficult to admit when we've done something wrong, and our society certainly doesn't make it easy to treat kids as real humans. But it really is essential to take responsibility for our actions. Apologize to your children and let them know that you recognize your mistakes. This will show them that you're willing to be accountable for your behavior and that you value their feelings.

3. Make Amends

After acknowledging your mistakes and understanding your child's perspective, it's time to make amends. You know what the best way to do this is? Do what they're interested in. Show up for your kids in whatever realm they love. Do they love to play Minecraft? Then you're collecting pixelated sheep, my friend. Do they love all things Pokemon? Then get your reading glasses and settle down for reading 1000 stats. Spending time supporting their interests will show your child that you value them and what they love, and that you're committed to repairing the relationship.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Parenting mistakes can be incredibly painful, and it's easy to get stuck in a cycle of self-blame and guilt. However, those feelings don't really serve you well if you stay there. Seek out tools, resources, and communities that help you understand your parenting story, while supporting you to do better. Making mistakes is a human condition. Just remember to be compassionate as you reach more levels of self-awareness, and that it's always okay to ask for help.

5. Seek Professional Help

If you're struggling to repair your relationship with your child, it may be helpful to seek professional help. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop a plan for repairing the relationship. We can also provide support and guidance as you navigate the process. That’s why I created the Connect with Courage Parenting Course. This course walks the line between understanding the philosophical why behind your reactions and giving you practical solutions to improving your relationships with your kids immediately. For much less than regular therapy sessions, you get several months of ideas, inspiration, and help with implementation.

Each session runs for ten weeks, and during those weeks you get:

A weekly session with a licensed therapist and supportive cohort of other parents
Discussion and exercises specifically designed to improve your relationship with your children
Access to a discord server where we keep the conversation going throughout the week
A course portal to keep the presentations, exercises, and homework organized and easy to refer to
A smooth transition into the Play with Purpose Membership group for a lifetime of tools and opportunities for better parenting even after the course is over.

Repairing your parenting mistakes is an ongoing process that requires patience, commitment, and self-compassion. By acknowledging your mistakes, understanding your child's perspective, making amends, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional help if needed, you can create a healthier, happier relationship with your child. Remember, it's never too late to repair the damage and create a brighter future for yourself and your family.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Ways Being More Creative Made me a Better Parent

Wed, 12 Apr 2023 21:11:51 GMT

Parenting is a tough gig, and sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, you're always falling short. But I've found that being more creative has made a huge difference in my parenting journey. Not only has it made me a better problem solver, but it's also helped me be more patient, flexible, and connected with my kids.

In this post, I'm going to share 5 ways being more creative has made me a better parent.

ONE. Better at Problem Solving

Creativity is all about thinking outside the box and finding new solutions to old problems. As a creative parent, I've found that I'm better able to come up with solutions to the challenges that come with parenting. Whether it's figuring out how to get my kids to eat their vegetables or finding a way to help them with their homework, I'm able to approach problems from a different angle and find solutions that work.

And the best part? When I'm able to come up with a creative solution, my kids are often more receptive to it. They love when I come up with new games or activities to do with them, and they're much more likely to try new things when I present them in a creative way.

TWO. More Patience

Let's face it, kids can be frustrating. They don't always listen, they don't always do what we want them to do, and they can be downright stubborn at times. But being more creative has helped me be more patient with my kids. When I'm engaged in a creative activity, I'm able to slow down and focus on the present moment. I'm not worried about what needs to be done or what's coming next, I'm just focused on the task at hand.

This ability to be present and focused has helped me be more patient with my kids. I'm able to take a step back and approach situations with a calm and patient demeanor, which in turn helps my kids stay calm and focused as well.

THREE. Flexibility and Adaptation Skills

Parenting is unpredictable, and being able to adapt to changing situations is key. Being more creative has helped me develop my flexibility and adaptation skills. When I'm engaged in a creative activity, I'm constantly trying new things and experimenting with different approaches. This has helped me be more open to change and better able to adapt when things don't go according to plan.

This flexibility has been especially helpful during the pandemic, when so many of our routines and plans were disrupted. Being able to adapt to the changing situation and find new ways to keep my kids engaged and entertained has been a lifesaver.

FOUR. Inspire Kids

One of the best things about being a creative parent is that it inspires your kids to be creative too. When my kids see me engaged in a creative activity, whether it's painting, writing, or cooking, they get excited and want to join in. By inspiring them to be creative, I'm helping them develop important skills like problem-solving, critical thinking, and self-expression.

And the best part? Being creative is just plain fun. When we're engaged in a creative activity together, we're able to bond and connect in a way that's different from our everyday routine. It's a great way to spend quality time together and create lasting memories.

FIVE. More Connection

Finally, being more creative has helped me feel more connected to my kids. When we're engaged in a creative activity together, we're able to let our guard down and be more vulnerable with each other. We're able to express ourselves in a way that's different from our everyday interactions.

This connection is so important for building strong relationships with our kids. When they feel like they can be themselves around us, they're more likely to feel loved, valued, and secure.

If you're interested in more ways to connect, check out this blog about the game Venture Forth!

Being creative - absolutely essential for healthy parenting! But it can be SO hard to find the time and to priotize it when you're a parent!

This is a big reason I offer a weekly Artist Hour through my Play with Purpose group. ZERO art skills are required - but it provides members three vital pieces to creativity:

A starting place -- I give a prompt so you have parameters and it's easier to begin.
Accountability -- there's a group, and we show up together to be creative. Having a community makes all the difference.
Exploration without judgement -- It's not about your art skill, it's about the process. I'm a licensed therapist with many decades of leading creative expressive art groups. You'll feel safe and supported - and get the chance to hone that creativity for your and your children's benefit.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Understanding Launch Anxiety in Teens: Causes and Coping

Tue, 21 Feb 2023 20:47:01 GMT

Understanding Launch Anxiety in Teens: Causes and Coping Mechanisms

Adolescence is a critical phase of life, characterized by an absolute myriad of physical, emotional, and social changes. As teenagers transition from high school age to college, work, or independent living, many experience anxiety, stress, and fear of the unknown. For homeschoolers and public-schoolers alike, this stage of development can be full of self-doubt and fear that they won't know enough to be a successful adult.

Launch Anxiety

Launch anxiety, also known as separation anxiety, is a common experience among teens, often triggered by the stress of transitioning from childhood to adulthood. In this blog, I will explore the causes of launch anxiety in teens and provide coping mechanisms to help them navigate this challenging phase of life.

Causes of Launch Anxiety

1. Fear of Failure:

Many teens experience anxiety about the unknown, including the fear of failure. They worry that they may not be able to cope with the responsibilities and challenges that come with transitioning into adulthood, such as choosing a career or finding a place to live. They often feel like other teens got handed the rules-of-adulting, and they somehow missed that day!

2. Fear of Separation:

Teens may also experience anxiety about leaving their families and friends, which can cause feelings of loneliness and isolation. They may worry that they won't be able to form new relationships and that they will be disconnected from their support system. They might be worried about this even as they pull away from you - it's complex, complicated, and confusing.

3. High Expectations:

Parents, teachers, and peers often have high expectations for teens, which can lead to added pressure and anxiety. Teens may worry about meeting the expectations of others and may struggle to find their own identity. The fact that we have preschools that are sold as college prep does NOT help this fact. The pressure is real, and these kids are the casualties.

Coping Mechanisms for Launch Anxiety

1. Communication:

Teens should be encouraged to communicate with their parents, friends, and mental health professionals about their fears and anxieties. This can help to alleviate feelings of isolation and provide support during the transition to adulthood. Communication only works if you've got the good credit built from your kids - where they know you support them, trust them, and are open to their ideas.

2. Planning and Preparation:

Encouraging teens to plan and prepare for their transition can help to alleviate anxiety. This may include researching colleges, visiting potential job sites, and practicing independent living skills. Anxiety's purpose really is to help us prepare - but sometimes the sheer amount of knowledge to acquire is overwhelming.

3. Game play and skill generalization.

Instead of thinking of their games as a waste of time, remember that that's often an area where they feel competent. Take those experiences and help them see where else they can utilize their personal strengths. Bonus if you play with them.

Launch anxiety is a common experience among teens, and it can be challenging for both the teens and their families. By understanding the causes of launch anxiety and providing coping mechanisms to alleviate anxiety, parents and mental health professionals can help teens to navigate this challenging phase of life. Encouraging communication, planning and preparation, and game play and skills generalization techniques can help teens to develop coping mechanisms and find the support they need to thrive during the transition to adulthood.

Check out my webinar, Parenting Teens Through Launch Anxiety for 30 minutes of therapist-led ideas and help with implementation.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

International Women's Day Leadership!

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Fri, 10 Feb 2023 22:26:13 GMT

This morning I spoke at Goldenwest College, for a leadership lunch they put together in honor of International Women's Day. To be honest, this year I have been feeling a little salty about Women's Day -- it came during a week where I was feeling a lot of sexism very keenly. I had a string of similar client conversations about how misogyny plays out in relationships, the political news of the world was getting me down... I was frustrated with the idea that we can treat so much of the population so terribly, so insidiously, and then pay lip service one day a year. I didn't post on my social media, I didn't do a blog post... I just avoided it.

So I get to the college today to speak, and I immediately have a moment of -- deep breath, Roya. You know what you want to say. I was worried that it would be a room full of people congratulating themselves and patting each other on the back, in a week where I feel like we all have So Much Work To Do.

I was so, so pleased with the overall event. There were 5 speakers, myself included - and I felt like we were a Venn Diagram of women's experiences in leadership -- a lot of shared stories and similar processing, but through very different venues. We had an architect, an activist, a student, a therapist (hi!), and a politician. No two people shared the same cultural background (props to the organizer for that!) and I left feeling a lot more energized than I did when I walked in.

I was taken by the intersectionality of the event, and the way that these women were all really claiming their femininity -- making the criteria for "good leader" much more accessible to traditionally under represented populations. I loved the combination of big picture inspiration, with the stories of real life equality opportunities, like "we need a daycare during meetings," and "we need a women's restroom at this location."

The last little exercise we did was to look across the table at someone and say - If I can do it, you can too.

It felt inviting. I felt encouraged.

I spoke about the power of play in fostering leadership, and I left a little more excited to carry on my mission.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Reasons Why Parents Should Attend this Webinar on Launching Their Teens into Adulthood

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 03:11:41 GMT

5 Reasons Why Parents Should Join This Therapist's Webinar on Launching Teens into Adulthood (Because Adulting is Hard)

As a parent, you've probably heard the phrase "adulting is hard." Well, it's even harder when your teen is trying to do it!

While you want to provide your child with the support they need, you may not know how to best help them navigate this transition.

That's why you need to join my webinar on launching teens into adulthood. Here's why:

1. Get the skinny: Therapists who work with teens and families have all sorts of juicy knowledge and experience to share. They can give you tips and tricks to help your teen navigate this crazy transition, so you can feel like a pro parent.

2. Banish the blues: Launching into adulthood can bring its own set of challenges, like stress, anxiety, and depression. A therapist can teach you and your teen some super-cool coping strategies to help you both keep calm and carry on.

3. Know your teen: By joining the webinar, you'll get a better understanding of your teen's perspective and what they're going through. This can lead to better communication and more meaningful support from you. Bonus: you might even crack a few jokes together!

4. Connect with other parents: Attending a webinar with other parents who are also navigating the transition to adulthood with their teens can provide a supportive community. You can share your experiences, learn from each other, and find comfort in knowing you're not alone.

5. Easy peasy: Webinars are a convenient way to learn, especially when you're short on time. You can attend from the comfort of your own home, without having to take time off work or deal with the hassle of traveling.

Joining me at this webinar on launching teens into adulthood is a smart move. You'll get expert advice, learn coping strategies, and connect with other parents. Plus, you'll have a great time! Don't miss this opportunity to invest in your child's future and ensure their successful transition to adulthood.

Webinar details

Registration is needed! Donations are appreciated but absolutely not required.
Everyone who registers will get access to the recording afterwards for a few weeks at whatever price you initially registered for, whether or not you attended.
If you can attend during the call, you will also have time afterwards for questions! Those will not be recorded.
Everyone who attends the call will get entered into a raffle to win a 10 week Connect with Courage Course!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

The Lasting Impact of Writing Letters to Your Children

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Wed, 04 Jan 2023 00:16:06 GMT

In the fast-paced world, we live in, it can be challenging to find ways to connect with our children. But, have you considered the power of the written word? Whether it's a heartfelt letter, a personalized note, or a simple thank-you card, the written word has the ability to make a lasting impact on our children's development and well-being.

Here are just some of the ways writing letters to your children has a lasting impact.

Find Moments of Connection

One of the most significant benefits of written communication is the sense of connection it creates. And if you've read anything here on my site, you know I am all about connection. When we take the time to sit down and put our thoughts and feelings into words, we send a powerful message to our children: "You are important to me, and I value our relationship." This type of communication helps to strengthen the bond between parent and child and promotes a sense of security and belonging.

Discover Similarities Between You

Writing letters can also help you discover similarities between you and your child that you may not have noticed before. You may learn that you have shared interests, similar personality traits, or even the same sense of humor. This discovery can deepen your connection even further. As you share your experiences and feelings, your child will begin to see how similar they are to you, and it can create a sense of comfort and belonging.

Find Sweetness in the Every Day

Writing can also help you uncover moments of sweetness in your everyday life with your child. By reflecting on your experiences and expressing your gratitude for them in writing, you can savor the sweetness of your relationship and create a positive mindset . When we write about our experiences, we have the opportunity to relive them and reflect on their significance. It can also help us appreciate the small moments in life that often go unnoticed.

Develops Language and Literacy Skills

When children are exposed to a variety of written materials and are encouraged to respond in writing, they are more likely to develop strong reading and writing skills. This, in turn, can lead to improved academic performance and a love of learning . By writing letters to your child, you’re not only creating an emotional connection but also helping them develop critical language and literacy skills that will serve them well in life.

Creates a Lasting Impact on a Child's Memory and Well-being

When we take the time to write a special note or letter to our children, we create a tangible keepsake that they can hold onto and look back on in the future . These memories can provide comfort and joy during difficult times and serve as a reminder of the love and support of their parents.

So the next time you are considering how to communicate with your child, consider the power of the written word. Whether it's a long letter or a simple note, the impact of written communication on your child's development and well-being cannot be underestimated.

Even knowing how important and valuable it can be - sometimes we just don't know where to start!

That's where this journal comes in!

Child of Mine is a journal created by licensed therapist Roya Dedeaux, full of writing prompts. The prompts give you the start to write something to your kid - something they'll find interesting now and in the years to come! You can write just one and leave it under their pillow or in their lunchbox, or write the entire journal and give them a completed book. How you do it is up to you!

Child of Mine - Prompts for Parents

25 Letters for More Connection

by Roya Dedeaux, LMFT

$14.95

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Helping Kids Overcome Challenges: Tips for Building Self-Efficacy

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 00:50:28 GMT

"I can't" might be one of the most triggering sentences for any parent.

Two. Why does self-efficacy matter?

Children and adolescents who have high self-efficacy tend to be more confident and motivated in their endeavors, and are more likely to persevere when faced with challenges. Think about it. If you consistently face something hard, think, "I can do it" and then live to tell the tale -- you're able to build success on top of success, scaffolding your way to bigger goals. If, however, the voice says "no way you can do this" and you listen -- you'll never be able to prove it wrong, and it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Three. Where do we get self-efficacy?

Self-efficacy can be influenced by a number of factors, including past experiences, social support, and personal characteristics. Sure, the circumstances we are born into matter. However - our brains are amazing, stretchy goodness. You can actually build belief in your self-efficacy in fun and interesting ways (like video games! Arts and crafts! Sports!) that will generalize to more serious moments. This is great news for parents (and therapists!)

Four. What can a parent do to help?

Parents can help children and adolescents develop self-efficacy by providing encouragement and support, setting achievable goals, and helping them to develop skills and strategies for tackling challenges. But let me tell you - your kids are smart. They are going to sniff out fake and arbitrary situations and the lesson won't land. The BEST way to support them is to encourage them to hone their interests. If they develop any kind of expertise in something THEY love, it will come with challenges and opportunities for self-efficacy.

Five. What if that's hard??

Turn "I can't" into "I can" my fine-feathered friend. Check out my parenting webinar that will give you practical, solution-focused ideas to help you help your kids and teens hone their self-efficacy.

Teaching children and adolescents about self-efficacy can help them to develop a growth mindset and build resilience, which can be important for their overall well-being and success in life. The best way to do that is through their choice of play, leisure, and recreation. The best way I can support you with that is through this webinar.

Self-efficacy is an important concept for children and adolescents to understand, as it plays a role in their development and well-being. It's an area that parents can really help or hinder - but it's always hard to know how much to push your kid when they say "I can't" and how much to honor their hesitation.

Personally, I find the idea of "self efficacy" to be a really fascinating one - what determines if we feel like we can take on a challenge? Is it temperament? Are we just born with confidence or not? Is it something we can learn? And how does that impact our worth and esteem in the long run?

Here are five points to consider when discussing self-efficacy with kids:

One. What is self-efficacy anyway??

Self-efficacy is the belief in one's own ability to complete tasks and achieve goals. Basically - it's the belief you have when you're looking at the mountain you're about to snowboad down that says, "yup, you've got this." It's the voice that says, when you are heading into an anxiety-producing doctor's visit, "you can handle this." It's the sense of "I can" in any given situation.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

what to do if my kid or teen is having anxiety

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 07:58:51 GMT

Anxiety in kids and teenagers is rising.

1 in 3 kids will experience an anxiety disorder.

They've also got tremendous amounts of world...STUFF to navigate. So it makes sense if your kiddo is dealing with stress, pressure, or overwhelm!

This is a collection of resources from licensed therapist Roya Dedeaux from a playful parenting approach.

This list is designed to give you and your teens tools to help deal with anxiety. There are resources for social anxiety, worry about the future, and even tools for parents who are anxious about their kids.

This resource list has webinars, games, and books for parents of teenagers!

Scroll to see the list!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Reasons It's Important to Play with Your Kids - And What To Do When It's Hard

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 23:42:59 GMT

There are many benefits to parents playing with their children.

I mean, it's only what I've devoted my entire personal and professional life to! Over and over again I see the benefits for kids, parents, and families when their parents prioritize play. Here are just a few of the important benefits play can have:

Bonding : Playing with your child can help strengthen your bond and create positive memories that become the core of their relational well being.
Learning opportunities : Play is a key way that children learn and develop. By playing with your child, you can help them learn new skills and concepts in a fun and engaging way. Did you know that every single mammal plays? Our play develops in complexity as our development gets more complex as well.
Mental and physical development : Play can help children develop their physical coordination and fine motor skills, as well as their problem-solving and critical thinking skills. Essentially every single system in our brains and bodies grows through play! Think about how kids learn how to walk and talk -- we don't give 8 month old babies flash cards. We play sing song games, we clap and cheer them on. We play peekaboo. The play develops but the need never goes away.
Emotional development : Play can also help children learn to express and manage their emotions, and can even help them cope with stress or difficult situations. Play gives us the opportunities and the vehicle for frustration, loss, disappointment, and conflict. It gives a low-stakes place to work through our feelings.
Social development : Playing with others, including parents, can help children learn to share, take turns, and interact with others in a positive way. Ever watch a playground full of kids figure out how to share 1 handball? It's where leadership and conflict resolution are fostered.

Overall, playing with your child can have numerous positive impacts on their development and well-being, and can be a great way for parents to have fun and connect with their child.

So given all of these benefits - why do we, as parents, find it so difficult to engage in play?

There are a number of reasons why it can be hard for adults to play. Some of the most common reasons include:

Lack of time.

Adults tend to have a lot more responsibilities than children, which can make it harder to find time to relax and engage in play. With work, family commitments, and other obligations taking up much of our time, it can be tough to carve out a few moments for play. I have book-fulls to say about why, as a culture, we value work time over play time (and how backwards that is for our overall well-being). We have a lack of discretionary time free from obligations and free to choose what we want.

Stress and anxiety

Adults may be more prone to stress and anxiety, which can make it hard to relax and be playful. We also have a serious lack of support in areas of extreme stress - such as childcare, the nurturing-arts, working while raising children, care taking for multiple generations, dealing with difficult resources for kids with special needs, our own health and well-being, feeding our families... I mean, yeesh. And this is just day to day stuff! Add on pandemics, school shootings, mental health disorders -- we are looking at generations of folks with high levels of stress and anxiety and low levels of support. If your parents didn't model playfulness for you either, it's twice as hard to find it within yourself.

Self-consciousness.

Another reason is that many adults may feel self-conscious about playing, especially if they feel like they are being judged by others. This can make it hard to let go and fully embrace the playful spirit. Even the silliest of us can hesitate a bit when faced with external judgement! Our community spaces aren't usually set up with children in mind, much less creativity and playfulness! It definitely takes some real self-confidence to stand out from the non-playful crowd.

Lack of opportunity

Additionally, some adults may simply not have as many opportunities to play as children do. Without regular access to playgrounds, sports fields, or other spaces where play is encouraged, it can be tough to find ways to engage in playful activities. This goes double when you're a mom - are the play spaces conducive to bringing extra kids with you? There are safety concerns, space concerns, financial concerns -- all of these are barriers to the opportunity for play.

Negative beliefs about play

Finally, some adults may have negative beliefs about play, viewing it as childish or unproductive. This can make it hard for them to justify taking time to engage in playful activities. We are the product of decades of different messaging -- and much of that told us that play time was wasted time. This wasn't accidental or a coincidence. The people in power utilized this messaging to diminish creativity, innovation, divergent thinking, curiosity, teamwork - and all of the amazing benefits of play - because people with a strong play foundation are harder to put into a standardized box. This trickles down from system to system until it infiltrates individual families. Good news: You get to be the last person in your family line to let that be the case.

Basically -- it's ridiculously hard to value and prioritize playfulness as a busy parent. But we know it matters and is important for you -- and for your kids. We have to find ways to incorporate play into our lives, as it can have numerous benefits for mental and physical health, as well as relationships and overall well-being.

GOOD NEWS

Here's help.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 ways to say no to spending money -- when you want to say yes

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 22:40:58 GMT

One of the biggest barriers to supporting your kid's interests can be the money.

So, Roya (I hear you asking me) - am I a bad/unsupportive parent if I don't buy them every single pokemon/hatchimal/bluey/minecraft/my little pony/etc merch they ask for?

No. Of course not. There are so many ways to support your kid's interests without actually putting down any cash. Here are 5 ways to say no -- when you want to say yes (aka when you want to support them but not spend the moola.

One

Let's take a picture of it so you don't forget you want this!

So often the desperation kids feel when asking for something NOWNOWNOW is because they are worried they'll forget, or you'll forget, they want it! A pic helps!)

Two

Let's see if we can find something similar at a thrift store for less money!

Now you have a mission! A hunt! A quest!

Three

Let's ask our Buy Nothing Group if anyone has one!

If you aren't tapped into your local BNG, find it now! It's an incredible way to gain and get rid of things without spending money.

Four

Let's add it to the wish list for the next time you get a gift!

Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, etc can be called upon to fill these wishes that don't go away with time!

Five

Oh gosh, that would be such a neat thing to own. I can see why you want it.

Sometimes - kids don't even need a yes or no. They have a wanting feeling, and need you to commiserate with the want. That's it, now they can move on.

What are your creative ways to spend less while supporting your kids?

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

4 Reasons Why Our Kids Want to Collect All The Things - and when it starts to become a problem

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 22:34:49 GMT

SPACE. It's a coveted resource in my house. It's also a top reason parents tell me that they struggle with supporting their kid's interests -- there just isn't ROOM for the supplies/toys/equipment/whatever that goes with it!

Some of your kids might even be what I lovingly refer to as Curators -- those are the kids who make your limited resource of space a special challenge - because they want to collect everything! I remember the day my mom told me that I would have to carry my own shiny rocks... it was at Girl Scout Camp and it was a formative moment! Hah!

The stuff can clutter our house, and get so frustrating - especially when it seems like they don't even play with it. It's one thing if they were using the supplies constantly - but some of our kids seem to like the idea of the stuff more than using or playing with it.

This can definitely cause some concern for parents - who are worried that the desire to hold onto things signifies an underlying anxiety or fear.

Most parents can rest easy and focus on helping your kids collect happily. Here are...

4 Reasons Why Your Kid Might Collect Stuff

1. They're curators! They enjoy the organization and display of collections!

This is a skill! There are higher level degrees in how to curate a collection. It's a well-respected ability. It takes observation, awareness, and attention to detail. Parents - you can help by creating a space that really honors the collection! Maybe a display case, or a special shelf, or better lighting.

2. They enjoy having the expertise, knowledge, and ability to categorize and re-categorize.

There's something so fun about having enough of a collection to be able to sort and re-sort it! This ties in with a love of seeing and recognizing patterns, and again speaks to intelligence and awareness. It takes dedication and investment to understand nuances about their collection in order to sort into different configurations! Parents - you can help by listening to the same information on repeat and asking questions that ask them to dive even deeper.

3. There's security, pride, and accomplishment in having a complete set!

The sense of completion that happens when you "catch 'em all" is so great! This feeling of mastery is not always easy to come by for a lot of kids. This creates the foundation for healthy neurotransmitters and actually makes it easier for kids to build their confidence and self-esteem in other areas! Parents - you can help by naming the strengths it took to build their collection, such as dedication, perseverance, and commitment.

4. Stuff is fun. It's okay to like stuff.

Just because minimalism is a trend, and just because you want to give away your possessions does not mean that everyone else needs to. Stuff can be great. Stuff = cool stories, neat reminders, fun textures, homey spaces. I take great pride in my stuff - it shows my personality, it's interesting to see what changes and what stays the same over time. It reminds me of people and places I love. Collections are interesting. There's nothing morally superior about wanting less.

When should I worry that my kid is collecting too much?

Why are they collecting so much? Is this a red flag? Are my children becoming hoarders? Are they collecting things because they are anxious or unable to let things go? When should I worry?

So mostly - kids collect for the reasons I listed above, and the only real issue is when parents don't help them achieve those collections. Every once in a while, however - I do run across a situation where the collection is indicative of a deeper issue. Here are questions to ask that will give you insight.

How does it feel if you can't keep something?
How do you feel if something happens to one of your things?
How much time do you spend worrying about your collection?

Pay attention to if they are expressing anxiety in other ways, or communicating a feeling of being out of control or helpless.

If those pieces come into play, take a look at my upcoming 10 week parenting course. It's called Connect with Courage - and the goal is to help you support your kid through their interest for better mental health, relationships, and overall well-being for you all!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

3 Reasons Why Your Kid Wants to Watch the Same Thing On Repeat!

Wed, 28 Sep 2022 06:30:00 GMT

Why do our kids want to watch the same thing over and over again?!

This is a common scenario I hear about that can lead to struggle over screen time. Your kid wants to watch that same netflix episode, the same anime, the same you tube show over and over and over again. What felt possibly beneficial the first, second, or even third time through starts to feel like a waste of time. What on earth could they be getting out of repeated watching??

Here are 3 reasons why your kids might want to watch the same thing over and over again!

1. Comfort

Some of us are not a huge fan of adrenaline. We don't like jump scares, and we don't like surprises. We might go so far as to look up the endings to movies just so we can sit back and relax, knowing what's already going to happen. When you watch the same show over and over again, there can be such comfort in knowing exactly what will happen. It's predictable and secure. In a world that tends to give kids very little control, knowing exactly what is happening in the show can help decrease anxiety.

2. Ability to notice & analyze

I remember taking a lighting design class in college and was absolutely gobsmacked by how much control over my attention the lighting designers had! I had the same realization when I took costume design! TV shows are created to draw our attention to specific things so purposefully - through editing, cinematography, lighting, the colors they are wearing...everything. The first time you watch something, you tend to be completely at the mercy of Main Thing They Want You To See. On every subsequent viewing, you are able to look around more and more. You can notice the set, notice the background characters, notice the other costumes, the details, the errors, the music, the staging, the everything. So it's kind of a misnomer to say you're watching the *same* thing each time - when you are able to see so many new things!

That's also what it takes to really think critically about something! How many times have I told my college students -- reading your textbook one time is the FIRST stage of studying! Now you need to read it again! Ask questions about it! Talk about it with other people! Read it yet again! Integrate it! Watching something multiple times gives you the ability to analyze knowledgeably!

3. Frees up just enough mental space to focus on other things

I watch a lot of TV, but I don't ONLY watch a lot of TV. I really love having the noise, I like story lines, I like the things I mentioned above -- but one of the big pieces is that I need a certain amount of things happening around me for me to focus. A quiet library? No thank you. A coffee shop full of ambient conversation and people to look at? That's my sweet spot! TV shows can fulfill the same purpose - distracting the part of my brain that requires distracting so the other part can focus! But that doesn't work if it's a new show that requires too much of my mental processing power! It's a delicate balance! Re-watching something also gives the opportunity to drift off into thought because you don't need to stay too present for the show. It's like a jumping off point for daydreaming, brainstorming, exploring, processing... all important things. It also means I can do other things - like crochet, write (ahem) a blog post (watching Bluey at the moment, in case you were wondering), household tasks, you name it.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 fun ways to use Venture Forth: The Game

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 21:39:00 GMT

5 fun ways to use Venture Forth: The Game

Created by Roya Dedeaux, a licensed therapist and author of Connect with Courage.

Have you seen my card game, Venture Forth? It's a game for those in need of a mild adventure, and I've been having SO MUCH FUN hearing how different people are using them!

Today I heard from a customer that her and her husband have been using them for date nights! "Whenever we feel like we don't want to plan something for a date, we use them! We had so much fun figuring out what to do with the random ladle we had to bring with us!"

I can't tell you how much I love to hear that they are getting connection, fun, and play out of Venture Forth: The Game!

Here's how you play:

Each deck comes with 3 categories of cards: Destination Cards, Quest Cards, and Object Cards.

Each has 4 options on them.

You draw a decision card to find out if you'll be picking the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th item on the list.

Then draw a Destination Card. That tells you where you are headed!

Then, a Quest Card. That tells you what you're trying to accomplish while you're there!

Lastly, draw an Object Card.

The Object Card will tell you a specific item to bring with you -- but wait!

I've got 5 other ways you could use this card to add some extra whimsy and magic to your adventure!

Have you heard of the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) term Pleasant Activity Scheduling? It's basically the idea that when you are experiencing anxiety or depression and struggle with finding enjoyment - you plan activities and outings you've enjoyed before and just *decide* to do them because they are on the calendar - whether or not you feel like it.

Venture Forth takes that idea and makes it a touch more palatable. Sometimes all we need is a gentle shove and a mild adventure!

Have fun!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

3 Favorite Mental Health Songs

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 03:10:00 GMT

Bad for Me

Meghan Trainor has recently released this amazing song, producing incredibly evocative feelings about setting boundaries with family you love who are...bad for you. It's beautifully written and sung, and I really love how she speaks to the dual feelings of - loving someone AND recognizing how unhealthy they are. If you are someone who has a parent or loved one with narcissistic personality disorder, addiction, or other severe mental health disorders - this song might hit home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZ3r8pG9QM

What Do You Hear In These Sounds

Dar Williams, one of my all-time favorite musicians has a WHOLE SONG about how great therapy is!!! I love how she shows off the exploration process that therapy is. If you have ever wondered how to articulate the hard-to-describe benefits of a great therapy session, this song does it so sweetly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwrQXI4_mgo

Meghan Trainor is at it again! This one is not related to mental health in any literal sense - but the whole dang song is about putting up boundaries and sticking to them. So even if the specific situation she sings about isn't quite what you're struggling with... get this "no to the no to the nah nah nah" stuck in your head and let it help you remember that "No is a complete sentence."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMTAUr3Nm6I

My clients and I bring up music, art, TikToks, memes, and games a lot during our sessions. Our feelings, our shared experiences, our relationships - they're reflected in pop culture and it's such a valuable tool to explore how we fit into all of that. It's also a really important tool for parents trying to connect with their kids.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Back to school anxiety: 5 ways to help your child

Wed, 07 Sep 2022 18:46:00 GMT

A new school year can cause stress, overwhelm, and anxiety for your kids! Here are 5 ways a licensed therapist suggests to help!

Going back to school is a scary time for kids - even for kids who tend to do well in a classroom setting. There are new people to meet, new expectations, big scary world events, and kids have an extreme lack of control and voice in most school settings.

The combination of these factors and more can make many kids more than a little nervous about going back to school. Anxiety can also take many forms.

Why do kids get anxious? Maybe it's because...

First, here's how to identify if your child is experiencing anxiety

Common anxiety related behavior might include :

So if your kid is experiencing some of these symptoms of anxiety, and you'd like to help them more - here are 5 things you can do to help your kid cope with their back to school anxiety.

5 things you can do to help your kid cope with their back to school anxiety.

PLAY MORE GAMES. My number one piece of advice for almost everything. Yes, I mean video games! Play releases stress, helps regulate emotions, provides catharsis, reminds them of their skill and expertise, provides a connection for the two of you and MORE. Is it hard for you to remember how to be more playful? Try this:

2. Connection to future and bigger picture

Kids get told all the time that school is "preparation" for their future - which means they are acutely aware of what an artificial type of environment it is. Spending so much time in this kind of a space can create a lot of apathy as well as anxiety. To help combat this - make sure they are connected to the world outside of school! Find them other people of all ages who share their interests, big pools of diverse people to connect to, and lots of future things to look forward to!

3. A hell of a lot more choice

In school you.... don't really get to choose where you spend your time, who your teachers are, who you spend time with, what you are supposed to study... this lack of control ABSOLUTELY leads to a) anxiety and b)insecurity over their own ability to HANDLE the anxiety! They aren't trusted with when to go to the bathroom, so how are they expected to trust themselves over big life decisions?? Give them as much control and choice in every area you can WHENEVER you can.

4. Therapy with someone who understands

School counselors can be great resources, but they really aren't equipped to provide in-depth therapy. They are set up for testing, crisis resource providing, and often are responsible for hundreds of kids. Find your kiddo a therapist who can focus on your kid outside of a school setting.

5. Look into school alternatives

Please remember that if school is the cause of anxiety - there are alternatives! I say this as a therapist, a college professor for over a decade, and as a grown homeschooler. Alternative education opportunities vary in the United States on a state level, but they exist. Everything from charter schools, to private learning centers, forming a private school in your own home, unschooling, or taking an equivalency exam and just opting out. I say this with 100% certainty - public school does not provide anything to your child that you can't find an alternative for. If their anxiety related to school is about SCHOOL - then listen to your kid and find a better solution.

Resources for You

Have an anxious teen? Start here.

Have an anxious younger child?

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

How a reality show about Marriage is actually about your kids

Wed, 10 Aug 2022 22:32:00 GMT

Have y'all watched Married at First Sight??

I hate when parents use this word to describe their kids interests, but I'm going to use it for myself. I'm just a touch obsessed with Married at First Sight - a reality show on Netflix.

I find myself thinking about it allllll the time. Part of that is just sheer voyeuristic curiosity right, like - omg I can't believe these people signed up for this let's watch and see what happens.

But part of it runs even deeper, and honestly ties into why I became a therapist.

So if you haven't watched the show - 10 people agree to marry someone without ever having met or talked to their partner before. They have no idea who "the experts" have matched them with until they walk down the aisle and get introduced - 15 seconds before they say I Do. It is a legally binding marriage. They go on a 1 week honeymoon, and then move into a "neutral" apartment for 6 weeks before deciding before all of TV land if they are going to stay together or get divorced.

It's indulgent reality tv at it's finest and I am HERE FOR IT.

You've heard of Gottman? Famous couples therapist, had a research apartment where he and his team studied gajillions of couples. One of the biggest takeaways from John Gottman's research is the idea of the "bid." When one person reaches out in some (even small way) - it really, really matters if the other person accepts that bid. It can be verbal or non-verbal, small and subtle or big and important. It can be little things like, "hey look at that weird bug" or big like, "I love you more than words can say."

The couples that go on to have healthy relationships are the ones where each partner picks up what the other lays down.

It's like the improv rule of "Yes, and" -- it builds bridges between you for a healthy relationship. Ignoring or not seeing the bid creates a relationship of cold shoulders, disengagement, resentment, and more.

So I'm watching this show, hugely engrossed in the fact that the couples who are reporting higher levels of chemistry and connection are hands down the ones who you can SEE are accepting each other's bids! It's fascinating!

Here's where it connects to you and your kids -

Accepting those bids are important for all relationships, not just romantic. When your kid says, "hey look at this thing I made on Minecraft" - LOOK. When they make a gesture of connection, even if it's small - TAKE IT. It's not small. It's a big deal to the health of your relationship. And the health of your relationship is a big deal for their whole life happiness and success.

It is not always easy to look at that Minecraft thing for the 5064th time that day. And sometimes the things they are interested in are annoying to you. But think bigger picture than that. If you want some very practical, actionable exercises to help you - click the link for my book, Connect with Courage.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

The Top 40 Reasons Why Social Emotional Learning is Essential for Kids

Sat, 18 Jun 2022 00:10:00 GMT

You've heard about "social emotional learning" - it's the new buzz phrase in classrooms! As a therapist, I am thrilled to hear that so many classrooms are incorporating more understanding of feelings and emotions in their curriculum. However - I do worry that in the same way that people come out of school hating whatever books they were forced to read - this generation of kids will be turned against emotional intelligence just because they were forced to "learn" about it.

Parents, this makes it even more important that social emotional learning isn't left to just a 30 minute segment once a week at school. It should be a constant and consistent part of daily life!

Here are 40 Reasons why Social Emotional Learning is Important for Kids

Whether you are gearing up for Mental Health Awareness Month, have a classroom full of kids to teach about Social-Emotional Learning, or want a beautiful book to snuggle up next to your own anxious kid with... meet This Is The Head That I Have, written and illustrated by parenting therapist Roya Dedeaux.

Emotional Regulation

It helps children develop a growth mindset.
It helps children develop emotional intelligence.
It promotes self-esteem and self-worth.
It helps children develop self-regulation skills.
It helps children manage their stress levels.
It helps children cope with stress and adversity.
It helps children learn how to manage and express their emotions in healthy ways.
It helps children learn how to cope with change and uncertainty.
It helps children learn how to manage their reactions to difficult situations.
It helps children develop emotional intelligence.

Social Learning

It helps children develop positive relationships with their peers and adults.
It promotes empathy and understanding of others.
It helps children learn to resolve conflicts peacefully.
It promotes a positive and inclusive culture.
It helps children learn how to apologize and make amends.
It helps children learn how to forgive others.
It helps children learn how to set boundaries.
It helps children learn how to listen to and respect others.
It helps children learn how to work effectively in a group.
It helps children learn how to negotiate and compromise.

Community & Relationship Learning

It helps children become more responsible and accountable for their actions.
It helps children understand and appreciate diversity.
It helps children learn how to listen to and respect others.
It helps children learn how to work effectively in a group.
It helps children learn how to negotiate and compromise.
It enhances communication skills.
It helps children learn how to show kindness and compassion towards others.
It helps children learn how to build and maintain healthy relationships.
It helps children learn how to express and manage their needs and wants.
It helps children learn how to advocate for themselves and others.

Future Benefits

It helps children set and achieve goals.
It promotes academic success.
It helps children learn how to manage their resources, time, and prioritize tasks
It helps children become more self-confident and self-motivated.
It helps children develop problem-solving skills.
It helps children learn how to handle disappointments and setbacks.
It helps children learn how to be resilient in the face of challenges.
It enhances decision-making skills.
It promotes physical and mental well-being.
It helps children develop resiliency and grit.

What are others saying about This Is The Head That I Have?

"It's so beautiful! The first read-through made me cry (in a good way)." Mama reader

"There were so many references to items and animals mixed with feelings...explaining the feelings. I recognized anxiety and fear. It was interesting to relate to things in the story when we didn't know we had those feelings." -12 year old reader

"I absolutely loved the conversations that came as a result of reading this with my daughters. We have found new ways of explaining our big emotions and new ways to get to a place of feeling safe." Mama reader

I hope that kids and adults everywhere see themselves and their feelings somewhere in these pages. Feelings are so hard to talk about, and a lot of us got messages our whole lives about being too intense or too much. I wanted to create a book that WAS intense, colorful, and let you sink into each emotion described. I want to give parents and educators a tool to help talk about feelings with kids -- whether it's through the metaphors and similes in this book, or the feelings the illustrations evoke. I want to give a place to connect all of the chaos and beauty and whirlwind of feelings.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

How much should I tell my kids about scary world events?

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 17:01:00 GMT

One of the hardest parts of parenting in 2022…

Not just dealing with the reality of what is happening, but trying to figure out how to, or if you should, and if you should - then how much to, tell your kids about what’s going on.

Always pair the big-scary with actionable steps that make your kids feel like they can make a difference.

There's no perfect right answer for how much to share with your kids about the big and scary things in the world.

Lots of times - you don't even have a choice. They hear it. They know it.

But if you are given the opportunity for this decision - here are the three questions I want you to stop and ask yourself.

Anxiety rates in kids are rising.

Is anyone really surprised?

My biggest rule of thumb for parents when talking to their kids about big scary world events -- wars, shootings, hurricanes... pair the (developmentally appropriate) information with action items.

For example:

A young kid I know was scared about being shot after he heard about the Uvalde shooting. He was concerned about the safety of his neighborhood & about bad guys.

We talked about what kinds of things might make a neighborhood safe, & how he could help. I couldn't tell him bad things never happen. But we could talk about his fears and figure out what could help make things a little better. We talked about the idea of good & bad. What might make fewer people want to do bad things?

We talked about community. Getting to know neighbors & about helping folks. We branched out to lots of different ways that building community makes things better. He ended the conversation with a sense of control, even in his relatively small world.

That feeling of being able to make his own little piece of his world better and safer is REALLY important in feeling like he can manage big and scary news.

June 30th - 4pm pacific

30 minutes (recorded so you can get it later)

Giving parents tools to help their younger kids (12ish and under) who struggle with things like:

social anxiety, non-medical stomach aches, trying new things, fear about big world events, and more.

June 30th - 5pm pacific

30 minutes (recorded so you can get it later)

Giving parents tools to help their teens (13ish and up) who struggle with things like:

School & social anxiety and pressure, fear of adulting or getting older, fear about big world events, and more.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

3 reasons why your teen needs more free time

Sat, 07 May 2022 22:22:00 GMT

3 reasons why your teen needs more free time

Free time for kids and teenagers is decreasing, while organized activity and school related time is being prioritized more and more.

What else is increasing? Anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts among teenagers . As a therapist who predominantly works with teens and their parents, I am often at the intersection of that relationship - hearing teenagers tell me that they are feeling the stress and pressure of their organized life, and hearing parents worry that their kids are acting irritable, isolating, or apathetic.

Over-scheduling and focus on school can lead to higher anxiety

Irritability, isolation and apathy are three qualities that are often seen in folks who are feeling anxiety. Why do we need free time? Why do your teenagers need free time? Think about the average school day for your average teen. They are being asked to wake up early, get ready and eat breakfast, and be at school by 8am - at the latest. Many teens have a zero period class or an extra curricular that requires even earlier attendance! They then have 6-8 hour long periods of their life where they are told exactly where to go, what to do, where to sit, when to talk, even when to use the restroom.

In between all of the school-provided content, there is a swirling and intense subtext of social dynamics, substance use, pressure and worry. School’s done, and then there is homework on homework on homework, along with other lessons or sports, eating dinner, somehow spending some time with the family, and then it’s basically time for bed to do it all again!

As an adult, if someone else were to manage my life that way - I would revolt!

And that’s exactly what teenagers do - they revolt, in their own way. Some teens revolt in out loud obvious ways - defiance, risky behavior, “attitude.” Others revolt quietly - they lose interest in things they used to love, they stop participating, they only show apathy. Some might turn the revolt inward and internalize the pressure, feeling like they aren’t good enough if they can’t manage it all.

All three of these commonplace rebellions are woven with anxiety, fear, and stress.

Your teenager needs more free time.

Let me tell you why.

Free time is necessary for growth and creativity.

Ideas are like seeds. They need soil, nutrients, sun, and water – and TIME. You can’t force creativity, you have to create an atmosphere conducive to it. Pressure and stress are the exact opposite of a healthy, creative atmosphere for growth. We need time for daydreaming, brainstorming, problem solving, and for our minds to wander. That’s where connections are made! Have you ever crammed for a test? You might have been able to memorize everything you needed for the next morning - but a year later, did you really learn that information? No. We need lots of open time for learning and integration!

Free time is necessary for replenishment

Humans need play, recreation, and leisure as a form of catharsis and relaxation. We need to be able to have time free from obligations to rest. It’s important to our physical health and our mental health. We can’t be “on” 100% of the time. It isn’t healthy. Teenagers especially need a lot of time to pay attention to the things that are important to them - their friends, their creative outlets, their emotions, their music, their self-expression, and more.

Free time might not be as “free” as you think it is

I want to caution every parent of teenagers to also remember that just because it looks like downtime from the outside - it doesn’t mean there isn’t a ton of really critically important things happening!

The psycho-social task of teenagers is to figure out their identity and their belonging. They are, at that age, tasked with making meaning of the world separate from their family of origin. This is exhausting, complicated, and scary work!

Watching the same Vlogger repeatedly on YouTube might actually be a sort of research - understanding how other people live, testing out other values or ideas. Time on TikTok is like finding a sense of belonging and others who understand you, or learning about music or other creative outlets. Video games are a way to test yourself and your abilities in a safe and rewarding place. These are all important jobs of teenage-hood.

How much free time should teenagers have per day?

The short answer is: more. Your teenagers should have much, much more free time.

If your school schedule prohibits that - well. I give you professional permission to do your best to buck the system.

If you’d like more information on how to manage screen time and summer vacation - check out this 30 minute parenting webinar . It is practical and solution-focused, with techniques and ideas you can put into place immediately.

You might also want to look at this post about the top 3 mistakes parents make on summer vacation!

Roya Dedeaux is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with several decades of working with teens and their families. She especially loves to work with homeschoolers and folks who feel like they don’t quite “fit the mold.” She is also the author of Connect with Courage: how to release fear and find joy in the places your kids take you. Check out her work, webinars, games, and other projects at www.royadedeaux.com

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

3 mistakes parents make on summer break

Tue, 03 May 2022 20:20:00 GMT

You've been planning for it since the weather started getting warmer. Y ou've been looking forward to spending time as a family, to adventures, to getting to connect with your kids without fights about homework and getting up for school on time.

You've spent a ton of time and money trying to create the best summer vacation, whether you're traveling for summer break or having a staycation. You've even read the other blogs - the 5 big travel vacation mistakes, how to avoid summer break child behavior problems, how to make sure you don't mess up your kids summer sleep schedule...

But let me tell you something so many of those mainstream parenting blogs don't tell you - here are 3 common mistakes that will get in the way of that perfect summer vacation with your kids, and how to avoid them. Three ways to make sure you connect instead of have conflict, and get an actual refreshing break.

Three Mistakes Parents Make on Summer Break

1. Making all the decisions themselves

Hey parents. It's okay to get your kids input with how and where you spend your vacation! Hot take: It's their break too! Let them have control and agency, practice collaborative decision making, and respect their choices. It's okay to spend family resources on fulfilling your children's wants.

One of my all time favorite family vacations was a big trip we took to Dinosaur National Monument, thanks to my then-6-year-old. He got so much value, not only out of being able to touch actual dino fossils, but also being able to tell everyone proudly that he got to plan it. He glowed with the knowledge that we respected his interests enough to have this amazing experience!

2. Trying to make everything Educational

UGH. STOP IT. Not everything needs to be a lesson! Or rather - not every learning experience needs to be articulated or formalized to be learned from. I promise, your kids are learning on your vacation. They can't help it. Ever tried to spend a day NOT learning something? It's impossible. They're learning. Let them just have the experience without any extra anything.

We learn best when we are enjoying ourselves without coercion or pressure. They get enough of it during the school year. Give them a break.

3. Cutting your kids off from their friends

Sometimes the joy of an experience is showing it off! Just because your kids are on their phones during a vacation doesn't mean they aren't enjoying themselves . Friendships are really, really important to your kids and stuff in their social life can change quickly. Even being cut off from them for a week can be monumental in their world.

Be compassionate and let them view your summer break through their own, and their friends, eyes. You show them respect, and create a bridge between you instead of resentment.

If you are looking for more help on navigating summer vacation and screen time - check out this parenting webinar by licensed therapist Roya Dedeaux!

30 minutes of solution-focused ideas, inspiration, and help with implementation.

Say goodbye to summertime struggles over screens! Say hello to enjoying your kids and the vacation you deserve.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

3 ways parents can build strong family relationships

Mon, 11 Apr 2022 23:17:00 GMT

Positive parenting and strong family connections don't happen by accident. Connected families have people who take on responsibility for engaging with each other, repairing mistakes, and working on improving the relationships.

What are the factors needed to build a strong family relationship?

This parenting therapist (that's me!) thinks

Three qualities you need to build a strong family relationship are:

1. be playful

2. be gameful

3. be curious

Be playful

Spend time with your family doing things that are not for any extrinsic reward. Be spontaneous, creative, and playful. This might mean playing board games, or helping your kiddo download the latest Minecraft mod. Try to say yes whenever you can to more play, more free time, more recreation.

Be gameful

Gamefulness is different than playfulness. Think about playing a video game - there are big tasks, big bosses, and it can often be difficult to progress. But in games, we conquer levels, use resources, and keep trying again and again. We look for teammates, creative solutions, and even enjoy the process of messing up and having to start over. We call this a challenge mindset, and it can apply to just about every parenting situation. Try to incorporate gamefulness in your family to get through tough times.

Be Curious

If you are wondering how to strengthen your family relationship, one of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you is to be curious. Be a curious parent. Look at what your kids are interested in, and be curious about why. Connect with your kids through their interests and being interested in them. If they express big feelings, be curious about what their experience is like. Curiosity helps us avoid defensiveness or taking their attitudes or temper tantrums too personally.

If parents can model this curiosity to your kids, it will help your kids learn all sorts of things from you as well! It will help them to see you as human, help them understand family patterns, and make conscious decisions as they get older.

Write letters to your children

One of my favorite parenting techniques for more connection is to write your kids letters. As a narrative therapist, I am a big fan of letter writing. There will be stories you want to share with them that they might not be ready for and writing it down and saving for later can ensure that they have it to read when it's appropriate. It also means they can read and re-read it, which gives so many more opportunities for understanding and connection.

This journal, Child of Mine , has 25 prompts on paper ready to tear out and gift to your kids. It's a wonderful way to build an even stronger family relationship.

Want more ideas and inspiration? Make sure to sign up for my email list!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

3 ways to change your parenting in the teen years

Fri, 08 Apr 2022 20:22:00 GMT

3 ways to change your parenting in the teen years

What you don’t find in parenting teen books

Teenagers are some of my favorite people. When I say this to folks at attachment parenting or homeschooling conferences I usually laugh and say, “it’s because I’m just barely not a teenager myself.” I honestly do remember, quite acutely, the pangs and perils of being a teenage girl. The need to spend all my time with my friends, have about eight thousand creative outlets, color my hair and draw on my shoes… I mean, that’s all still true of me, even though my teenage years are quite a ways behind me.

It’s more than wanting to color the world in glitter and feel like every song lyric is speaking directly to me - being a teenager can be hard.

If you are struggling to connect with your teens, if you are looking for answers in teenage parenting books and parenting teen podcasts, if you are feeling like a pinball ricocheting between parenting with love and logic - if you feel like your adorable little toddler suddenly turned into a new being overnight and you don’t know if you’re supposed to feed it after midnight -

Here are 3 ways to change your parenting in the teenage years for a more connected, collaborative relationship.

1. Give them more time

Right at the age where schools are asking teenagers to commit to even more extra curriculars, zero period and after school commitments is the time when I say - let them have more time doing what they choose.

Teenagers absolutely need more time with their friends.

They need more time to sleep. They need more time to cocoon, to listen to music, to watch the same TV shows over and over and over again. Remember when they were learning how to speak, and it seemed like they needed whole days to sleep? The amount of physical and cognitive development happening required a lot of energy and recovery. That is happening now!

On top of this developmental need - they also need to know you trust their choices. So when they make a choice (like to play more video games or cut 2am bangs) support them in it. You trusting them helps them trust them. And this is key for teenagers to develop better self esteem and a sense of self.

2. Let them explore being separate from you

Remember how proud you were when your kid learned how to walk, and could suddenly wobble their way across the room? Try to remember that that’s the same thing that is happening right now. Teens are supposed to differentiate themselves from their family of origin. If they grew up vegetarian, they suddenly want to eat bacon. If they homeschooled, they want to try highschool.

What feels like a sudden shift in values can scare the living daylights out of parents. But please remember that they are supposed to wobble away from you. They are supposed to find community that is outside of your family. They are supposed to try on new ideas. Your job as the parent is to not take it personally, to keep the door of communication open, and stay curious about what they are experiencing.

3. Don’t add to the pressure

Even if you are the most laid back stress free parent in the world, the rest of society is sending your teenager messages about what they’re supposed to be able to do. They are looking at the future like it’s a sudden drop off a cliff - and it’s full of scary things and anxiety.

As parents of teenagers you and I know that a lot will change for them in just a few years. The difference between 13 and 18 is more than 5 years. But they don’t know that yet. They are anxious about adulting. They think they’re supposed to know how to live independently now. How do you help your anxious teenager?

Have you ever asked your teenager something innocuous like, “what do you want for dinner?” And they respond with over the top irritation? For you, the question is just about what food to make. For them, it’s one more question they don’t know the answer to. And it’s connected to all the other questions they don’t know the answer to. And that’s connected to all the things your teenager is worried about.

So how do you help your scared teen?

Provide simple, concrete, matter of fact offers. “Today I am making grilled cheese sandwiches. Do you want it in here or at the table?” That gives them choice, but not that open-ended feeling that connects to the bigger fears. This isn’t just about food - it can generalize to so many decisions. If they respond with, “I don’t want grilled cheese?” That’s okay. That’s good. “I also have spaghetti. Your choice!”

Help for parents

It’s so hard not to take certain teenage attitude, looks, and tone personally. If you need help connecting with your teenager, try this 30 minute parenting webinar on helping Teens Feel their Feelings.

Make sure to join my email list to find out when the next webinar is happening!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 Adventures to go on when you're feeling stuck

Fri, 08 Apr 2022 01:42:00 GMT

Sometimes all we need is a little push out the door.

We don't need to go sky diving or spend thousands on travel. We just got a little stuck in a rut and need bit of help. Or maybe, just maybe, two years of pandemic living has made going out in the world a little nerve-wracking.

If you have noticed that your anxiety level is preventing you from feeling your best

Here is a game I've developed just for you.

Here are 5 destinations, 5 quests, and 5 objects. Use a random number generator to pick which from each category to do today! So for example - if I chose the number 2, I'd go somewhere with music, take a journal with me, and make sure to wink at a toddler!

Let the mild adventure begin!

Destinations

Objects

Quests

Boost Your Mood!

Did you know that planning a mild adventure like these from the Venture Forth game can make a significant difference in your mood? Even just planning to do the quests can give you something to look forward to! Actually accomplishing them gives you even more of a mood improvement which can help get you out of stressed out, overwhelmed cycles to help your mental health.

Moms Mental Health Matters Too

Hey moms - I tried really hard to make these quests workable for you busy moms too, because I know just how hard it can be to get your family out the door. If you can involve your kids in this, all the better!

Want a whole deck of these quests and destinations? Check out Venture Forth: The Game! Each deck comes with 216,000 possible combinations of mild adventures!!!!

Join my email list to find out when new games and other products are released!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Is watching YouTube ok for your kids? From this therapist's perspective - (you're going to hate me)

Mon, 04 Apr 2022 05:00:00 GMT

Is watching YouTube okay for your kids? From this therapist's perspective - (you're going to hate me) - It Depends.

It's hour 3. Your kid hasn't even twitched in at least 30 minutes. The only sound in the house is the loud, action-movie-esque bright orange sound (yes, the sound has color) of the teenage gamer yelling at other teenage gamers on your television screen. You look longingly through your window at the outdoors. Remember the outdoors? You imagined you would be the parent with murals on the back fence, daily water table play, and art stations set up Reggio Emilio style all over the house. But here you are instead, listening to "bro-dude-bro-noob-yeet" speak for the umpteenth hour. Your kids seem to love it. That is - they ask for it all the time. They'd spend ALL THEIR TIME watching YouTube if you let them. You just...aren't...sure. Is it okay? Is it healthy? Are you supporting them? Hurting them? Should you throw everything connected to the internet in the dumpster Ron-Swanson style and move to the woods and start over? It's so intensely difficult not being able to tell the future, isn't it? That's what parents want to know when they come to me. They want to know - is it normal? Is it healthy? Am I doing damage? Can I repair it? How do we set them up for success, and how do we do it without battles and struggles now? I can't tell the future any better than you can - but I can offer you a perspective that isn't rooted in parenting-terror. And I can tell you my experience with thousands of families. Is watching YouTube okay for your kids? From this therapist's perspective - (you're going to hate me) - It Depends.

First, we need a better understanding. When parents come to talk to me about their YouTube watching concerns - I need to understand who the kids are. I need to know what they intrinsically love to do. I need to know their temperaments. I need to know what else is being offered to them. Because each of those kids will have different needs and motivation - and that’s important.

Why are they watching? Is your extroverted child watching YouTube because it’s how they connect to other people? Is it a shared experience between them and their friends? Is it how they access the feeling of being around other people when their extroverted self needs more but the family has to stay at home for the day?

Are they watching because there is nothing else to do?

Is your teenager watching because they are preparing mentally and emotionally? Because it’s helpful to watch how other people live their lives almost like instruction manuals for living?

Are they too anxious to go live those experiences themselves? Is your gamer watching because it’s where their community hangs out? Because it’s how they learn strategies and stay involved in the world they have made their home? OR

Are they overwhelmed by how to interact in person and are hiding behind the screen?

This is why it depends. Motivation matters. What else they have offered to them matters. How involved their parents are matters. It can be hard to know because it looks the same from the outside. It still looks like they’re just sitting and watching someone else’s life instead of living their own. It’s up to you to understand the nuances and the differences. To be curious. To move past your own fearful negative reactions about YouTube as a medium and look in-depth at the benefits and connections they are making. So, go back to that moment in your day. YouTube is loud, your kid seems glued and glazed over. You’ve got mom guilt that this isn’t what you’re supposed to be allowing.

Before you pull the plug on your child's screentime ask yourself these 3 questions 1) HOW does your kid look, really? Pay attention to the little details - do their eyes light up? Do they laugh? Do their eyebrows raise when they see something exciting? 2) WHAT do you think they’re getting out of the actual content? Why are they watching what they are watching? How does it fit into their interests? 3) WHY are they spending their time watching? What has the rest of the day been like? Are they resting or refreshing? Are they planning or preparing? I wrote Connect with Courage to help you work through these questions and decide what to do next.

If you’re like every single human I’ve ever talked to - there’s noise in that there brain of yours that gets in the way of answering those questions. There are so many fears to get through, worries about judgment and what people will think. Your great aunt so and so’s voice in your head.

I wrote Connect with Courage to help you put aside what might get between you and your kids, and build bridges - not walls - between you.

I wrote Connect with Courage because we all have to start somewhere. So start there. Then contact me and let’s dig deeper into what you uncovered. Get a signed copy of Connect with Courage here and don’t forget to join my membership group to go deeper.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

best parenting resources

Tue, 22 Mar 2022 08:12:00 GMT

As a therapist working with parents and their kids - I am frequently asked for my favorite resources! I decided to put them together in a list so it's easy to find! Check back, I might add more!

Also make sure to check out my favorite resources for parents with kids who are gamers, and my favorite homeschooling family resources as well!

Books

Connect with Courage, how to release fear and find joy in the places your kids take you, by Roya Dedeaux

This book is for you if you have kids and your kids have interests! Therapist Roya Dedeaux (yup, that's me) helps you go through common emotional and logistical barriers to supporting your kids interests -- and why that support is absolutely vital to their well-being and success.

Reality is Broken by Jane McGonigal

This is non-fiction at its absolute finest. If you know or love a video game player, you owe it to yourself to read this book. Jane McGonigal provides an incredible analysis of the research on video game play and what it does to us individually and as a society. It's one of my top 3 favorite books of all time.

Love More, by Shannon Loucks

This delightful sweet read is written by a mom of 2, and I think makes a really wonderful bedside table addition. It's the perfect book to leave handy so when you need a reset moment, you can grab it, open it, and remind yourself of the powerful effect a spontaneous dance party can have!

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

I love the practical sound bites from this book. It's got immediate language and other pieces you can put into use right away. Really helpful, practical book for parents.

Community and Social Media

Unschooling Mom2Mom

Yes, this is specifically a resource for folks wanting a richer, more connected unschooling life -- but if you are even close to that, I think it's got a treasure trove of incredible resources for all types of parenting topics. Check out Sue's podcast, mailing list, and helpful guides

The Recreative Membership Group

Monthly membership group where you get community, accountability, a weekly group zoom call, and daily prompts and inspiration. Ideal for busy moms who are trying to do their best while juggling all the things.

Thegentlemamma Instagram

Every time a parenting meme makes me pause my scroll to hit the like button - it turns out to be from this account! I love the frequent reminders to be sweet, gentle, understanding, and respectful of our kids.

Games and Entertainment

Playing Cards

Need a little extra inspiration for playing with your kids? This deck of "playing cards" has a little bit of education on each about the power and importance of play - along with a fun prompt to get you going!

Encanto

If you haven't watched this movie yet... well. Hop to it! Just about EVERY family dynamic issue that can happen in a family has moment in this movie. It opens up so very many conversations with folks from all generations. If you want to check out the webinar I did on creating healthier parenting patterns using this movie as a guide, here you go !

Child of Mine

This is a journal with prompts for you to write letters to your kids. You can write them and give them to your children one at a time, or fill in the whole book before giving it to them!

What are your favorite parenting resources? I'd love to hear! Put them in the comments so we can all check them out!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Importance of Flow

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 21:03:00 GMT

Flow theory, coined by Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi is probably my very favorite theory of all time.

We call it flow, "being in the zone," or the optimal human experience. It's that feeling of being so perfectly matched with what you're doing that you can lose track of time and be absorbed.

Putting yourself routinely in a state of flow increases your happiness, your intrinsic satisfaction, and decreases anxiety! It's IMPORTANT for our mental health and wellness!!! It produces good brain chemicals, and actually helps our brain development and learning.

There are 8 characteristics of a state of flow:

Complete concentration on the task;

Clarity of goals and reward in mind and immediate feedback;

Transformation of time (speeding up/slowing down);

The experience is intrinsically rewarding;

Effortlessness and ease;

There is a balance between challenge and skills;

Actions and awareness are merged, losing self-conscious rumination;

There is a feeling of control over the task.

know what that sounds like to me?

Games!

♟️⚽

Games of all kinds are one of the most predictable creators of a state of flow. That's REALLY GOOD NEWS FOR US BECAUSE FLOW IS IMPORTANT & HEALTHY!

Struggling with video game anxiety? Check out my video game anxiety recording and my screentime and mental health webinar!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Life lessons I learned from a quilt

Sat, 26 Feb 2022 00:56:00 GMT

Me again, with another Life Lesson I Learned From A Quilt.

This is a type of quilting called Cathedral Windows. You start with a piece of fabric (in this case, about 10" square) then basically do some fancy fabric origami, iron it a bunch, and it ends up being a quarter of the size. You take two of those and stitch them together, then get a 2" square of another color fabric to sew in, creating these windows. It's intense, beautiful, and incredibly time consuming. This one is growing pretty quickly and I'm really happy with it! Mostly because....

it's the fifth time I've tried to make one of these.

If you go through my Graveyard of Buried Projects (aka my office closet) you'll find the evidence of four other cathedral windows quilts. They're wonky. There's a reason I gave up on those

But here I am again. "This time it will be different!" I whispered to myself in the fabric aisle of Joann's.

And you know what? It is!

Here's what has been different so far:

I've learned a LOT from those other four attempts. I know I need the right tools (like a THIMBLE. Sewing through like five layers of fabric at a time is owch). I know I need to be in the frame of mind to be precise, because the folds lining up matters. I know it's worth it to take out mistakes and try again, even if it takes more time right now. I'm older. I'm more patient. I have gone through my own personal development so that I'm ready to take on this project again.

So....it's never just about quilting.

Y'all. When your kids aren't developmentally ready for something, let it go. And let them try again. And again. Those attempts before weren't wasted. They were part of THIS successful process.

Are your teenagers anxious about their next developmental stage? Check out this webinar for parents!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Why Encanto is the best thing for therapists since Inside Out

Fri, 11 Feb 2022 01:35:00 GMT

So there's one moment in Encanto that stands out to me and NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist who has now watched Encanto three times a day for.... a long time. It's genius on SO MANY LEVELS. The family dynamics, mental health issues/coping skills thinly disguised as special powers, the commentary on immigration and multi-generational trauma response...

Not to mention - we all love the music!!! I can't tell you how many memes I've seen from people identifying with how much pressure Luisa's under, or living with the expectations of a family like Isabella. But there is one moment that no one seems to be talking about that is SO POIGNANT from this therapist's perspective!

It's the moment where Mirabel’s dad walks in to see her glowing green vision from Bruno. They freeze. AND HE IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO COVER IT UP.

This. This moment. This moment is the crucial moment in so many families.

The cover-up-with-kindness from someone who loves you. As a therapist, I have held the pain of so many women who struggled to understand why the parents who loved them, the sisters who loved them, the family that loved them, wouldn’t say something or do something when they found out about abuse or a trauma within a family.

Why would someone who loves you try to cover up the truth?

When something is so painful for my client, how can their loving family member think that sweeping it under the rug is helpful?

Because they benefit from the system - even if they don't realize it.

Mirabel's dad, Agustin, shows up on film multiple times with bee stings making his hands and face swollen. His wife, Juliete, heals him with her food. This is a ridiculously spot-on example of a dynamic where he benefits from the family system.

The family system is the one where they get gifts and use it to help others. He is clumsy and requires healing - a lot. Her gift is to heal with cooking. It's in his favor to "keep the miracle burning." It isn't malicious, but it is insidious.

If the vision Mirabel uncovers somehow shatters the system... he comes tumbling down with it. Better to keep the status quo. Better to keep everything in place. Better to quiet her - it's better for her anyway. It will keep her from being a target, from shame or embarrassment... it's easy to justify it as a loving move.

But big picture? Covering up something your kid is telling you is important? Not helpful, not healthy. It sends an incredibly powerful message: you are not valuable. You are not worth standing up for. We are willing to sacrifice you for the appearance/outward health of this family system.

I'm licensed narrative therapist Roya Dedeaux, and it brings me great joy to watch a ton of TV and talk about how it represents our lives with my clients. If you want more about the brilliance of Encanto, check out the webinar below!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

If the Madrigals came to therapy

Fri, 11 Feb 2022 01:00:00 GMT

If the Madrigals, from the movie Encanto , came to therapy...

If Isabelle were my client, I would be getting the collage materials out every session. I wouldn’t let her cut with scissors. No precise lines or smooth edges. I would say, here, let’s rip the pages and see what happens. What do you draw with your left hand? What about with your eyes closed? We would tear things up and then put them back together, and make meaning out of the ragged edged beauty. We would write bad poetry on the back of receipts and junk mail, and read them aloud in over the top dramatic voices before feeding little bits of paper to a fire. I wouldn’t let her edit a thing. We would practice writing crossword answers in permanent markers. We would leave the paintbrushes in their packaging and only use our hands. I would ask her to tell me how it felt in different parts of her body. Was there something loosening that used to feel tight? What happens if it all ends up a mess? We would draw flowers with charcoal and then smear our hands across the page, practicing taking deep breaths through the anxiety of imperfection, through the generations of expectations.

If Luisa were my client I would ask her how old she felt, every time Abuela walked beside her. I would ask how young she was the first time someone asked her to lift a house. Who was the first person she bested in an arm wrestling match and did their relationship change after that? We would talk about adding to the portrait of her identity. I would trace her outline on butcher paper and ask her to draw what she feels like on the inside. I would offer tea and a quiet room, sit with her while she tastes her tears, and finds a way to stitch her insides and outsides into one congruent place. I would hold up a mirror and say, look, tears and you’re still strong. Add more to the story. It all can be true.

If Bruno were my client, I would ask - what would happen if everything turned out okay? Tell me about your sisters and if you ever tried to have visions of the past about your dad? I know you see the worst that can happen - but that’s only part of the narrative. Let’s add richness to the story. For every fish that died, how many days of life did you predict? For every change, how many moments of calm and peacefulness did you discount and brush away? You have the ability to make an impact, but other people have choice too.

If Camilo were my client, I would say, your mother’s mood was lightning bright and storm cloud heavy. It makes sense that you learned to change and adapt. It makes sense that you learned how to change your face to charm and make her laugh. If you have to be able to dodge hail and tornadoes the second you walk into a room, it makes sense that you might lose yourself a little in the process. It makes sense. It also makes you compassionate, aware, and understanding, because you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Use it, if you want to, but be conscious that it’s your choice.

If Dolores were my client we would be talking a lot about tools. Ear plugs are cheap, and you get to decide what you let in and what you don’t. We would talk about the burden of knowledge and paying attention, or the dual desire to have a few moments alone and the pull of being the one with the information. How to compartmentalize an onslaught of thoughts and feelings. When something is your responsibility and when it isn’t. How to call in professionals when someone else needs supporting.

If Pepa and Felix sat down in my office, the frost in the air would sparkle while Felix’s sunshine laughter tries to shake it away. I would ask him to sit, for a minute, in the cold and tell his wife what it feels like to be all the way steeped in her feelings. Before you do the song and dance to make the clouds go away, hold her hand and remind her that part of what you love about her is that no matter how hard the wind blows, she’s never blown away. Remind her that you love rain along with the sun. Remind her that she doesn’t need to earn your affection through a pleasant disposition.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Boat and tidal wave feelings

Mon, 27 Dec 2021 03:15:00 GMT

As a parenting therapist, I work with many parents whose kids are experiencing anxiety, stress, or depression. It can be so hard to know what the right thing is to do as a parent of a struggling kid. What can a parent do to help their kids work through big feelings?

No matter how old your kid is, this visualization can help. If they're in an ocean of feelings...you be the boat. The video talks about more.

https://youtu.be/iqk62R6Pk14

If this helps you, you might be interested in the recording of Feeling Feelings webinar. It's a 50 minute workshop that gives you super practical ways to help parents help their kids through their big emotions. There is one webinar for parents of older kids and teens. The other is for parents of younger children. They cover developmentally appropriate ways for parents to support their kids through whatever they are feeling.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Feeling Feels

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 00:25:01 GMT

I just asked my 4-year-old daughter what advice she had for mommies and daddies on how to be better mommies and daddies. Her suggestion was, "everybody tell everybody else more about their feelings, and if they have a hard time talking about it they should draw a heart and use colors to explain how they're feeling."

So there you have it, from the mouths of babes. This is why I do what I do.

The narrative therapy technique that she is talking about is something that I use with almost every single client that comes through my practice. I call it "feelings heart" because naming things is hard. What it is is an exercise in externalizing feelings, increasing emotional vocabulary, and identifying the nuance between different emotions. I asked my clients to come up with the five most prevalent emotions that they felt in the last week, choose a color to go with each one, and then color in a heart. The heart represents their week and the colors represent their emotions. There are no right answers. There are no wrong answers. It's process art, exploratory.

Because I have done this activity thousands of times with thousands of different people, including in classroom and workshop settings, I have seen such a wide variety of end results. Some people draw with strong, bold, decisive strokes. For others their hearts are blended, swirling, scattered. Some people draw what looks like walls between feelings, or boxes within boxes. Other people have patterns and shapes, jagged lines from one piece to another. Some people ask if they can put 10 feelings, while others have difficulty getting past two.

I want to reiterate that there is no wrong. Just information.

The trick to processing feeling hearts with clients is in how I comment on the finished product. If I look at somebody's heart and to me it looks chaotic or overwhelming or tangled or messy and I say that to them, that is my interpretation of their experience. It says more about me and my state of mind than it does about them. One person's chaos might be another person's excitement. One person's stark might be another person's peace. I try to make objective and observational statements. I make statements such as, "I noticed you spent more time using the blue." Or I ask questions like, "When you look at this which color jumps out at you first?"

This gives my client the chance to interpret it based on their meaning and their experience. It gives me the information that I use to move the session forward and help them explore more about their week. It provides a non-judgmental starting point to keep talking feelings.

I think we can use this in our parenting as well -- not just the actual exercise (which is a great assessment tool for all of us, and it can be wonderfully cathartic for people to be able to put on paper what can be difficult to talk about!) We can also adopt the usefulness of making objective, observational statements with your kids.

We've got years on them. This means we have years of messaging and baggage about just about everything. Sometimes we have baggage about the things they're interested in and the way they spend their time, and it's just too easy to impose our outlook on them. A common example is walking into a kid's messy room and looking around thinking, "oh my gosh how could anybody live like this? It just looks like chaos! How can you find anything?!" When what they are thinking is, "Look at all my wonderful stuff that I have! Everything is close to me! Look at all these things that remind me of my friends!" We have to be careful about not layering our interpretation and our value system on top of their experiences.

If we can stop before making the subjective statement, we leave the door open to hearing about their experience. If we can make an objective observation, it can give them the start to a whole story. If we can be curious about their meaning, we get to be let into their wonderful world. We get to extend and maybe even cross a bridge to our kids inner workings.

It's not always easy to do. It's a hard habit to break. It's especially difficult if you have a history of making (what feels to them as) judgemental statements. You will have to be extra careful not to have any kind of body language or tone that even vaguely hints of judgement.

The more open you are to hearing their version of the world, the more open they will be to share it with you. Then, as my 4-year-old says, we will all be better mommies and daddies.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Is negative self talk normal for teens?

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 00:21:34 GMT

Ahhh teenagers.

Scaring their parents since the dawn of time.

So much crap exists in the mainstream media world about how awful the adolescent years can be, which is probably why I adore working with this group of folks so dang much.

Sullen? Isolating? Combative?

Try - vibrant, working HARD, processing... and doing it while navigating some of the most important big picture philosophical questions of their lives! Who are they? Why are they that way? Who do they want to be? Do they have what it takes to get there or be that?

It makes sense that through this period there are doubts, worries, and fears. Fear often presents as irritability or anger, which is part of the cliche story of teenager-hood. Fear also can turn around and become internalized, leading to some pretty intense thoughts and feelings of failure and hopelessness.

This is when I get the calls from parents.

"My kid keeps saying they're behind and will never catch up."

"My daughter sees her older sister living on her own and has basically decided she will never feel comfortable leaving home."

"My son's first response to a challenge is to blame himself, call himself a name (like dumb or stupid) and give up! What do I do? Is negative self-talk in teens normal?"

Is negative self-talk in teens normal?

This is, obviously, a complicated question with no single right answer. Yes, to some extent, negative self talk is "normal." (But, btw, "normal" and "healthy" are NOT synonyms.) We all have moments where we aren't thrilled with how we are acting, or wish we were doing better.

However, ongoing self-bashing or internalized shame does worry me as a therapist. Sometimes we get locked in a certain story of ourselves, and it does take help and intervention to rewrite it. That's what I do as a narrative therapist. I help teens - but I also help you, their parents, because it's really difficult when you're that close to the situation.

First - remember what stage of development they are in.

Anyone who has taken a basic psych or child development class has heard the name Erik Erikson. He wrote about the psycho-social stages of human development and the crisis we go through in each of them. Teenagers are going through Identity versus Role Confusion. Essentially - they are trying to figure out who they are and where they belong.

GROWTH IS UNCOMFORTABLE , because growth doesn't happen in our safety-zones, and teenagers are spending a lot of time in the growth zone. They are stretching their limits, pushing boundaries (theirs and yours) and it is their developmental job to do just that.

It's their job, and their job is uncomfortable. So remember that the next time you think they're being moody for no reason.

Because it's uncomfortable, they can often think they're doing it wrong or that they aren't good enough.

There is so much variation in teen development that it's easy to look around at others and compare themselves, and find themselves lacking. Also, because finding their place in the world (and with their friends) is such a focus of their developmental job as teens they can be really focused on their social group, which means there is a lot of comparison happening.

The cherry on top is that they are also dealing with societal expectations that they might feel like they don't have the skills to handle yet... like the thought that they're supposed to move out and suddenly know everything about adulting at the age of 18. When you're 15, that can feel incredibly daunting. Even if they are in a family that doesn't expect that, there are many covert messages that suggest they're supposed to be *able* to do that.

So - discomfort, growth, these things will happen.

What we want to avoid is ongoing internalization that there is something wrong with them for having challenges or struggles.

Here are 4 Solutions for Parents

1. DON'T REASSURE

This goes against the grain, I know. But when you say, "no, no, it's fine, you're fine, it'll be easy, you're great" you dismiss their fears which makes them a) not be able to trust you, and b)feel even more shame that they have the fears.

We aren't always great at sitting next to someone in discomfort, but that's what you have to do.

2. EXTERNALIZE (said in Daalek voice)

Use "person-first" language even if it feels silly. "I'm a failure" turns into, "you're someone who is having a hard time right now." Bonus - putting that "right now" on the end of the sentence gives language to the fact that this is a temporary feeling without you having to explicitly say, "this is a temporary feeling."

3. ADD TO THE EVIDENCE

Help with restating. They say, "I can't do this, I'm a failure" you nod, and say, "yes, this situation is really throwing up some big challenges!"

Help generalize skills. Do they show strength or aptitude in Minecraft, on the soccer field, with their younger siblings? Help connect the dots for them so they can see that those qualities could transfer. "I'm never going to be able to do this" can be met with, "This reminds me of when you struggled for weeks to beat that boss on Mario Odyssey! I was so impressed by your persistence."

4. GATHER YOUR OWN TOOLS

Check out this parenting webinar on how to help your kids with adulting. It will help you work through your own fears and anxieties without passing them along to your teen!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Dealing with Anxiety as a Boss Mom

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Mon, 31 May 2021 22:18:30 GMT

Our emotions are information.

I often ask clients to tell me what the good thing about anxiety and depression are -- a question that is frequently met with blank stares. I know the look. It says, "What are you talking about? This feeling stinks and can be totally debilitating, and is getting in my way."

Anxiety is your brain trying really hard to protect you. It's your brain thinking it's doing the right thing. Like a dog barking at the mail person - it sees a threat and is trying to help! It doesn't understand that THIS person coming up to your door isn't a threat - it's just doing what it thinks is it's job. It just doesn't always understand when we are safe and when it can shush and lie down.

Sometimes it's sneakier. Anxiety can be disguised in a lot of behaviors, and often we aren't aware of the fearful root cause. For example, one of my big neon flags is when I am procrastinating something. Somehow I keep not getting to that one to do list item -- or maybe it doesn't even make it on my list because I don't want to face it's existence in black and white! I have this task I am supposed to do, and I know it would serve me in some way to accomplish it, but I am procrastinating like a champ.

Another way anxiety can show up is irritability. Irritability and anxiety are often dance partners, which is not the best way to head into a business interaction or parenting and other relationships!

A fourth way anxiety shows up are as loose or weak boundaries. If we are anxious about something, or insecure about our own level of competence or a decision we have made, we often allow a lot of wiggle room for folks to take advantage. For example, if I have set my speaking rate at a certain price, but doubt my competence I might be tempted to give discounts or speak for free -- in a way that is unhealthy or unrealistic for my own life.

Anxiety when left unchecked, can definitely get in our way as business owners.

One way to get that barking dog to quiet down is to ask your brain, "What is the function of this anxiety? What is the education you are trying to give me right now?"

Okay so, anxiety is information and if left unchecked, can definitely get in our way. There are. Luckily solutions for this, and sometimes awareness is enough to give us kind of a kick in the butt to just become aware that oh, that's the pattern, that's the thing that I'm experiencing, I can name it, I know it. I have tools to deal with that.

Solution 1: Use the education for preparation

The help anxiety is trying to provide is preparation. For example, If I'm nervous about speaking in front of a group, a little anxiety might lead me to prepare a little bit. If I'm nervous about performing on stage, it might prompt me to go rehearse. If I'm nervous about an earthquake happening, I might put together an earthquake kit. So anxiety serves a really important function for us as humans. It won't let us forget about the things our brain thinks we should prepare for.

Solution 2: Look at the evidence.

Another solution for you boss moms is to look at the evidence presented in front of you. Many times we've been conditioned (and a lot of times that conditioning is from sexism) to think that we're not the person to do this. Someone might criticize a decision of ours and we automatically think, oh, they must be right - ignoring the evidence of our own expertise. Stop and look at the evidence presented in front of you. Where are your successes. Up to now, have you been successful. Are all of your other customers feeling this way or is it one single person? Very often that one single person that negative voice sticks with us louder, even though there's another 1000 people who never said anything or have left positive feedback. Maybe you don't need to make a change. Or maybe you could use some backup, some support. This is where it helps to have a group, coach, or therapist.

Solution 3: Notice but don't act.

Pay attention to your feelings, and don't always act from them. Those are two separate things. You know you're having that anxious feeling, you're paying attention to it. You seek out your support, you look at the evidence and then very often you don't make a change. You stick with that boundary, even while you're quaking in your boots.

Solution 4: Delay the editor.

Sometimes my anxiety hits me before the product even leaves the door. It happens in the process before anyone else is involved. Before we even have a chance to offer that awesomeness to the rest of the world. The critical part of your brain is trying to protect you from future hurt/pain and tries to prevent you from risking anything at all. It's helpful to visualize that part of your brain as it's own entity - the editor - and only let it speak during conscious editing sessions. When you are creating something or launching something, put that editor aside. Don't throw it out - trust me, I just wrote a book, good editors are priceless! But I don't want that editor in my brain before I've even produced any content.

Solution 5: Pre-determine decisions

Decision fatigue is the idea that we have a finite number of decisions we can make in a day before it gets just toooooo exhausting. Then you once you've reached your quota of healthy conscious decision making, it's just like the wild west. So save your decision making for the big ones, and try to automate all the smaller things. Sometimes open-ended choices are not always the kindest way to treat ourselves or others. Some flexible structure is the most comforting option. I see this with a lot of parents I work with, who ask their kids, "what do you want to eat?" It can add pressure or anxiety to the kid if they literally have everything as a choice. It's kinder to easily overwhelmed people to say, "do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a grilled cheese?"

Apply structure with flexibility to your business decisions. Create a list of tasks, so when you sit down to work you just jump in. Decrease some of that decision fatigue, and you can sit down pretty quickly and get to work and there's not a decision involved.

Solution 6: Do the next right thing.

I have young kids. I have watched Frozen 2 8,743 times. One of the best lines is, "do the next right thing." Anxiety mixes all our wires and can make everything overwhelming. Ask yourself, What's the next right thing I can do? It doesn't have to be the best thing. Just pick a thing, pick the next thing that might be a little bit helpful. It doesn't have to be the most helpful. Sometimes action, any action, is the key. Throw a dart, roll a dice, pick a task at random. Just do the next right thing.

Anxiety is complicated. It hits us in every corner of our life, business and personal. Part of my mission is to help help all of us using anxiety as information and not let it get in the way of your awesomeness.

If your anxiety manifests as loose boundaries or uncertainty in your business, checkout my upcoming workshops where we deal with these exact things!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

How do you keep a parenting journal?

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Fri, 21 May 2021 22:33:01 GMT

I put together a little somethin' somethin' for you parents out there!

Growth mindset has been a keyword that is buzzing round the internets lately. We know it's important to help our kids feel strong, capable, and able to take on challenges!

How can parents instill a growth mindset at home? Here's a 30 page journal for parents, created by licensed therapist Roya Dedeaux that will help you expand your own mindset as well.

This family journal will help you look for good in what your kids choose to do. When parents journal with gratitude will help you see their strengths, resiliency, and wonderful qualities.

Use as a family journal, for your own mindset, or just to increase more playfulness in your life! There are a few in-depth exercises, and some free-writing prompts!

It's a 30 page 8.5 x 11 paperback, all purty and colorful and ready for you!

3 tips for creating a parenting journal

Don't worry about trying to do something daily! Life happens, and parents lives are busy. If you aim for perfection you'll give up!
Let the prompts be a starting off point. If you want to elaborate, go for it!
No details are too small. Little things will be the ones that make you smile, or bring back the strong sensory memories later.

$8.95 get your copy here !

Don't forget to join my email list for more ideas and inspiration!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

What do you do when you have too much to do

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Wed, 12 May 2021 22:30:33 GMT

Hiya. Your friendly neighborhood therapist has ADHD, two businesses, a spouse, three kids, 6 animals, a house and garden, and a LOT of projects. As I write this, I'm sitting here vacillating a little wildly back and forth between whether I should sit and write, as I had planned and scheduled, or get up and do any of the 78865476 other things I see needing my attention.

So I thought I'd write a little about my process. I use a lot of different "productivity tools" - here are some that work the best for my brain.

A frequently rotating schedule of regular tasks

Knowing that Wednesdays are my day to clean floors, and Tuesdays are my day to set my weekly business plan is helpful for remembering that there are regular tasks that I need to get done. I like doing them on a weekly rotation because there are plenty of weeks where the task doesn't get done, but it's okay. Wednesday will come around again and my floors will keep til then. I do not add Wednesdays undone regular tasks to Thursday. I let them goooo.

A few brief daily routines

The power of a good routine is kind of amazing, but it has to actually work with your life. I am not going to wake up at 4am to exercise at this point in my life. But I can take a walk, most days, after my clients and before dinner. And then I can build on that, since I already have shoes on, and water the garden right when I get back from my walk. And get the eggs from the chickens, since I'm out back anyway. I bring them to the kitchen, and oh hey - time to start dinner. Boom. A multi-part routine that works. I can then consciously add to it, gradually, knowing that there's already an established natural routine. I can add drinking a cup of water, or 25 squats, or whatever the heck I think would be helpful. And I'm more likely to succeed because it's linked to the other pieces.

coworking

As much as I can, I tie the really important to do items, or the ones I'm most likely to put off, to someone else because I am far less likely to forget or reschedule. I have a regular writing group, a coworking marketing group, and regular video calls with a few friends and my VA. We meet via zoom, and depending on the group sometimes check in, sometimes turn video off and just get to work. They're not long chunks of time -- 15 to 30 minutes. But it's amazing how much can get done when you have a mission and someone else working beside you.

Accountability to someone else

I now have someone that I can message and say, "here's my to do list for today" or "this event," or "for the book launch" and that person puts it in Airtable, my favorite content management tool. But before I hired a VA, I often (read: daily, at least) would send my to do list to my sister, a friend, or even more effectively - I'd post it on my Facebook wall. Getting it to other people like that helped motivate me tremendously. Especially if I came back to update it.

alarms on phone

No, I will not just remember to move laundry, call that person back, put the cover back on the grill... I use alarms on my phone primarily for all the little house things that I know will slip my mind.

email me about it

If someone else verbally asks me to do a task, it has become my habit to tell them to email me about it (and/or text, and alarm on my phone!) In my mind, it doesn't happen unless it's written down. I don't just use this with students or clients -- my inbox has plenty from my husband too!

wall calendar AND fridge calendar AND bullet journal AND google calendar

No, it's not excessive. Yes, I use them all. I need things to be front and center! Bullet Journals alone don't work, because I can close them and leave them in my bag. Wall calendar alone doesn't work, because it doesn't travel with me. Google calendar on my phone alone doesn't work, because the tactile experience of writing lists and reminders helps me remember and plan. So yes, I use a combo of all the things. And yes, it takes time out of my day to go through and update them all, but even that repetition is helpful for my brain. And I love pens, planners, and office supplies......

I use the wall calendar for big monthly overview of appointments, for a weekly list, and a daily goal list. My kids get into this calendar, so we make sure to put the games we want to play, etc on this list too. My fridge calendar is one week at a time and has meal plans and work schedules - because those two things are most related in the planning. My bullet journal has a monthly spread, weekly overview, and daily pages. I go much, much more in depth in my bujo. I write goals, priorities, lists, and track things like mileage, water, book sales, and more. My google calendar connects to my online appointment scheduler, so gets updated without me sometimes! I also make it a point to put appointment details in the notes - the address of appointments, the phone numbers - because I need the info right there in one place when I look at my schedule. I also use google's task list for my weekly task reminders, and this is where I put monthly things, like refilling medication, or doing billing and paperwork.

Boundaries, and getting okay with disappointing people

For the love of all that is good for your brain, learn how to say no sometimes. I have PLENTY to keep me busy, all day every day. If I said yes to every request, big or small, I'd spin myself into the ground and never be able to crawl out. If you can set boundaries for outer-circle people -- like only respond to student emails on Monday and Wednesday, that makes life easier. I've had to get better at setting boundaries for inner-circle people too. For example, if my husband says, "hey do you have time to pick up the dry cleaning" -- I have to stop and think about if I honestly have time! I might not today. But I could on Thursday. Or maybe not at all this week. Or, I need to be home for 6 year old's piano, would he like to do that and I'll pick up the clothes? Or - just - no. If you struggle with this, practice saying this out loud to a mirror. Cheesy, but effective.

If you struggle with any of this - know you're not alone. Get in touch and we can figure out systems that work for YOU. Along the way, we will work on repairing the negative messages you've likely internalized from years of people saying you're scattered, flaky, irresponsible, forgetful, or unreliable.

One of these workshops might be the perfect fit

Or schedule an intake session !

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Parenting during a pandemic SUCKS

Mon, 26 Apr 2021 22:35:36 GMT

"I just feel like crying all the time"

"I was waiting and waiting for school to start to get back to my work, but it's not going to last long."

"I feel overwhelmed, it's so much worse this time around."

"I'm angry with everyone, irritable with my kids, and then feeling guilty because they're anxious too..."

"I feel like there's no one I can talk to about this because we are all in the same anxious boat"

If you have said, thought, or felt any of these -- you are not alone.

I have talked to hundreds of moms these past few weeks who describe the overwhelm, fear, and heaviness of getting ready for another school year in an ongoing global pandemic. It's a LOT.

I want you to have your feelings, *and* be the safe person for your kids. Because they're having feelings too.

So you need a place . You need a space that is created and held for you by someone trained in handling this level of emotion, trauma, anger, grief, and upset.

You also need solutions, and you need them fast.

I'm offering a 30 minute zoom call, where you will leave with 5 solid solutions to get a little more calm and a lot more connection with your kids. A Pandemic Parenting Reset. A place to untangle some of the knot in your chest.

It's gonna be quick, because who has time right now for anything else -- and you will have tools you can put in place right away. You'll get the recording to look back on when you need it, and you'll get a little cheat sheet you can print and keep around for even more help.

It's free, with a suggested donation of $20. But -- and I really, really mean this - come even if you don't have the $20. I have tools to help moms, which in turn help your kids, and that's important to me.

5-5:30pm Pacific time Sunday September 12th. Please register even if you aren't paying, so I can send you the cheat sheet and recording afterwards.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Game Play

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 22:16:08 GMT

I just left a zoom meeting with some amazing Mom Owned Business Owners where I spoke about the benefits of play - for adults and for our businesses.

I have a book's worth of info to speak on that, but one of the things that kept coming up was a request for more games!

So I thought I'd share a few of my favorites, especially if you're looking for a particular need to get filled. I will keep editing and adding to this blog post as I think of more!!!

Cooperative Game Play -

Castle Panic is my fave for families. Everyone works together, and only one person needs to know how to read, so it's great to play with folks of all ages.

Pandemic is a great game for adults who all play to beat the board together.

Involved-but-not-Monopoly-Involved

Dominion is probably my favorite game of all time. It's a deck building tabletop game, and you can play with 2-6 people. Everyone needs to read. Plan to spend about an hour per game. High, high, high replay value with a ton of expansion packs. Great for strategy lovers, or people who like to play something a lot of ways and figure out their style.

If you like Settlers of Catan or Ticket to Ride, this is probably a good bet - although it mostly only has cards, and no other game board pieces (some expansions do but not many).

Speaking of Settlers -

Apps

Settlers of Catan has one of the best phone apps out there, and Ticket to Ride is pretty great too. So if you're a tabletop fan but can't talk others into playing with you as much as you want.

Games for Littles

HABA board games win every day. I love them all, particularly the garden game and the car racing one. They have satisfying wooden pieces, games that are easy to pick up and adapt depending on game player's developmental level. No need to read.

Games for relaxation

My go to is 2048 - an app where you combine numbers to try to double them and reach 2048 before you run out of room. I play it to fall asleep, along with Toy Blast (a sort of Candy Crush, Bejeweled color matching game).

Games for ambient sociability

Words with Friends - play asynchronously, with strangers, or with people you know.

Games I haven't attached a category to yet

Slay the Spire

This game is on Steam, and it's a deck building game with a map to follow. Definitely need to read, it's single player, you can pause the game and come back to it and it has tremendous replay value.

Dixit

Beautiful, imaginative, family togetherness. Gorgeous artwork on the cards. Good family game.

Concept

OMG this is the most underrated game ever. It's so intense and involved, I've stayed up til 3am playing, it's amazing. It's unlike any game I've ever played. It's a tabletop game where you are trying to get the other players to guess a concept -- it's like the symbols based version of Taboo. It's SO GOOD.

Chronology

This is fun tabletop game, leads to much discussion - so if fast paced turns is your thing, choose your play-mates wisely. Need to read.

Wise or Otherwise

Nothing makes my family devolve into fits of giggles like this game. If you enjoy wordplay, this is the one for you. Players need to read and write.

I'll be back with more! This is just a start. <3

If you have difficulty viewing game play as valuable, or think your kids are spending too much time with video games please check out this webinar - because I'd very much like to help decrease your family's battles.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Why try to connect through play?

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Wed, 19 Aug 2020 22:12:35 GMT

In today's busy, busy world, parents and kids often feel disconnected . Work, school, and endless responsibilities leave little time for meaningful bonding.

But here's a bold, no-nonsense solution:

P lay and Recreation.

Seriously, this stuff works wonders. It's not just about fun and games; it's about building rock-solid connections with your kids. So, buckle up and get ready to dive into the messy, wild world of play.

In this blog post, we're going to lay it all out— why play matters , how it fuels child development , and how you, as a parent, can use it to forge unbreakable bonds with your munchkins .

Unleashing the Beast: The Power of Play

Listen up, folks! Play isn't just some fluffy thing kids do to pass the time—it's a force to be reckoned with. Here's why:

1. Turbocharging Development:

Play is like a turbo boost for your kid's growth. It helps them develop physical skills, cognitive abilities, social smarts, and emotional resilience. Yeah, you heard that right— play covers all the bases !

2. Flex Those Muscles:

Physical play, like running, jumping, and wrestling, helps kids build strength, coordination, and motor skills . Plus, it's a chance for you to show off your moves and get your heart pumping.

3. Brain Gains:

Playtime isn't just mindless entertainment; it's brain fuel. Whether it's building epic LEGO creations or solving puzzles, play stimulates your kid's noggin , fostering problem-solving, critical thinking, and creativity.

4. Social Superheroes:

Play is like a secret society for social skills. When kids play together, they learn to share, take turns, negotiate, and work as a team. It's like a crash course in becoming a social superstar.

5. Emotional Resilience Training:

Play provides a safe space for kids to express their feelings and learn to cope with them. By engaging in play with your child, you become their trusted ally , teaching them to navigate the wild roller coaster of emotions.

Get Your Hands Dirty:

Connecting with Kids through Play

Alright, parents, it's time to roll up your sleeves and get in the game.

Here's how you can use play to forge unbreakable connections with your kids:

1. Embrace the Tech

Valuable lessons are learned through video games too! Don't let your kid hog the controllers - sit down beside them and level up . Not good at it? Don't worry. Your kid will love being the expert and showing you the ropes. Pro Tip: Struggling with screen time? Read this!

2. Let Them Lead the Way

Step back, my friend, and let your child take the driver's seat. Follow their lead in play , whether it's building a tower, playing superheroes, or hosting a tea party for stuffed animals. It shows them that you value their ideas and sparks their imagination.

3. Get Messy and Go Wild:

Don't be afraid to get down and dirty. Play in the mud, have a water balloon fight, or build a fort with blankets and cushions. Show your child that you're willing to let loose and have fun together. They'll remember those crazy moments forever. Pro tip: Mess not your thing? Read why it's so important here!

4. Time to Play Detective:

Use play to understand your child's world. Jump into their imaginary realms, ask questions, and show genuine interest . By doing so, you'll gain insights into their thoughts, fears, dreams, and desires.

5. Bring Play into Daily Life:

Integrate play into your everyday routines. Turn mundane tasks into playful adventures. Have a race to see who can clean up the toys fastest or make up silly songs while doing chores. Injecting playfulness into daily life keeps the connection alive. Pro Tip: Go here to read more about the benefits of creative parenting.

6. Nature's Playground:

Take advantage of the great outdoors. Go on hikes, build sandcastles at the beach, or have picnics in the park. Nature provides the perfect backdrop for shared adventures and lasting memories .

Your Job

Parents, it's time to unleash the power of play and recreation to connect with your kids like never before.

Embrace the mess, dive headfirst into their imaginary worlds, and prioritize playtime.

The benefits go beyond fun; they shape your child's development and create unbreakable bonds . So, let's get real, get playful, and get connected. It's time to make memories that will last a lifetime.

Find it difficult to be more playful?

You are not alone! That's a HUGE reason I wrote the book, Connect with Courage: How to release fear and find joy in the places your children take you.

This book discusses the emotional and logistical barriers to really supporting your children's interests.

"Connect with Courage is an absolute marvel of a book. It is energizing, fascinating, brilliant, and healing all at once. The practical insights in this book will resonate with every parent who wants to create a closer-knit family and to cultivate more curiosity, creativity and courage not just in their children, but in their own lives as well."

Jane McGonigal, PhD , bestselling author of SuperBetter: The Power of Living Gamefully

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

How long should your tween play video games per day?

Tue, 21 Jul 2020 22:10:37 GMT

How long should your tween play video games per day?

Parents are worried about their kids video game real life balance!

Are video games bad for my kid?

When parents of tweens talk to me, they're asking, "Is it okay if my 12 year old plays video games? How long should my 13 year old play games? Are video games bad for 12 year olds?"

How many parents worry about their kids? The answer? All of them. Parents wonder how they can help their kids balance games and real life. How they can help their kids see the impact video games have on their life. They want to encourage their kids to get the benefits of play, but still worry when they don't know what the long term effects of video games might have on their teens and tweens.

Setting limits on video games

To manage this parenting fear, they try setting limits on video games. But even that comes with parenting stress. Is two hours of video game play a day too much? What if my teen plays one hour a day? What if they play for four? How much video game play is too much?

Parents try to help their kids find balance between video game play and real life. They do this by setting limits on the type of game their kids are allowed to play, or the amount of time they can spend in their games.

This parenting therapist needs to tell you something, though.

Setting those kinds of video game limits backfires, and here's why:

Balance is an overrated idea

Balance is an overrated idea, that leads to parents getting between kids and their passions.

Think about what it feels like when you're really in the zone, or experiencing a state of Flow. One of the trademark characteristics of this optimal experience is losing track of time. If you're knee-deep in satisfying work, game, or project - the last thing in the world you want is for someone to come along and tell you that you need to stop, for the sake of balance. If another adult did that to you, you'd find it disrespectful or insulting.

But we do this to our kids all the time.

If you are trying to break past unhealthy parenting patterns, you are probably following some aspect of gentle parenting technique. You are trying to collaborate with your teenager and be a more connected parent.

If you're worried about balance, try broadening your view. Look for balance over a week, not a day. Better yet, over a month, not a week. If you are up to it, look for balance over a year. Or a lifetime. You will be more respectful of those humans you are raising, and they will get to experience interests deeply.

The answer to the question how long should my kids play video games?

As long as it is serving them. I can say confidently that if you don't think it's serving them - you're not paying good enough attention. So stop worrying about how much balance your children have and start paying attention to the benefits those games are bringing your kids.

Parenting Resources

If this is hard for you, I have resources. Start with my book Connect with Courage . It will help walk you through more than a dozen barriers that stand in the way between you and your kid connecting. It will help you see the learning opportunities in their choices. It will help you be a more respectful parent. It will help you release fear and find joy in the places your kids take you.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Frozen 2 - ALL THE SPOILERS

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 21:32:42 GMT

Hi. I am writing about a movie. I can't write about this movie without writing about this movie. So if it matters to you to not read things about this movie - mov(i)e right along and read something else! =D

Why is Frozen 2 the best thing for therapists

(and people in general) since Inside Out?

Both Frozen 2 and Inside Out are, in my opinion, amazing movies that help provide generations with the tools for better emotional intelligence. Inside Out gives children (and people) everywhere the tactile understanding that emotions are not good or bad - but *information.* I’ve been speaking about this to clients and groups for years. Our job as humans, often the hardest job, is to be able to be a receptacle for strong, complex, nuanced, and sometimes warring emotions. Inside Out gave a name, voice, and character to some of the Big Feelings, and helped therapists everywhere help clients articulate what they are feeling.

When I went to see Frozen 2 with my kiddos I was expecting a relatively entertaining hour. I was hoping that they would *finally* let Johnathan Groff sing, and that Olaf wouldn’t bug me as much as he did in the first one. I had heard a few neat things about the making-of, but I hadn’t even watched a trailer.

I Was Riveted. Not only was the music phenomenal and the overall aesthetic of the movie gorgeous, there were a few pivotal points that made my therapist heart grow four times bigger.

Number one. “Sven” singing, “your feelings are real, and you feel how you feel…” I have already heard my five year old tell this to other people like eight times since we saw this movie this week!!! It’s cute, it rhymes, it’s said by an adorable animal sidekick, and the message is excellent. Your feelings are real, and you feel how you feel… thank you, Sven, for helping us “let down our guard…”

Second. That whole entire song about grief. Most of us have encountered the feeling before. It was so poignant that I actually had a friend text me and warn me about it ahead of time. Anna literally pulled herself up and out of a hole. The weight. The ever-pressing weight of grief had me pinned to my cushy-movie-theater chair like I had rocks on my chest. It was such a powerful expression of the depth of raw sadness.

Not only did it feel accurate, but it had another important message. “...make that choice to hear that voice and do the next right thing.” Feelings come. Choices still matter. You know how we tell kids, “it’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to hit your brother?” (or just me? A lot?) It’s okay to have your feelings, it’s not okay to hurt other people as a result of them. Hurt people hurt, the saying goes. It’s understandable, but not excusable. It’s 2020 folks. Do your work. Even when it’s from grief. Your choices matter.

Fourth, Kristoff says to Anna, “My love is not fragile.” This was the point in the movie that I just keeled over and died. He sang an entire song about his feelings AND processed them like a healthy grownup AND didn’t need to make a huge amount of drama about it?! Kristoff, you are my new role model -- and most importantly -- a role model for boys and girls growing up in a world where Frozen 2 is setting the standard.

Speaking of my new favorite Disney fella, “I’m here, what do you need?” I am almost weepy with the thought that future generations of kids will see a prominent, physically strong, male cartoon character swoop up beside his leading lady and ASK HOW TO BE HELPFUL WITHOUT TAKING OVER OR DERAILING HER PLAN. Now that is how to be a supportive partner! I also appreciate that Anna accepts his help! They work together, help each other, grow in separate ways and then continue together. They support each other’s relationships with others, spend quality time together when it’s not all drama (family game night as an example), and are two individual people choosing to be in a partnership.

Bonus awesome that the creators of Frozen 2 did is less about the story and characters, and more about the making of the movie. Disney consulted extensively with indigenous groups in order to respectfully represent their communities in this movie -- and it shows. If you want to read more, check this out.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

5 reasons why making a mess is important for learning!

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Fri, 20 Mar 2020 21:58:26 GMT

Reason One: We make connections.

When I was about 14, I was really into making zines. You know, DIY magazines that involved a lot of cutting up papers, writing poems, gluing and collaging them together and passing them out to friends. I would sit at the eye of a paper-hurricane, with...trash, essentially, extending out around me. But as I was working, I would see pieces that I would want to use, and re-purpose them into my zine. If I was cleaning as I went, those connections would not have been possible.

I've seen this a thousand times with kids. They are riding their scooters in the backyard, see the chalk that was left out, and then make a game where they have to ride between the lines they draw. They play house or make-believe, incorporating the original playhouse pieces, and the lego minifigs, and make furniture out of Playdoh. Making connection like this is good for our brains. It increases our ability to see connections in other parts of our lives and increases our creativity. We also increase our divergent thinking - which is critical for problem solving and learning!

Reason Two: We get all our senses involved.

Learning requires neural connections. We obtain and retain information and understanding better when we have a rich, sensory learning experience. For example, compare the experience between a kid who get to dig in the dirt, plant seeds, water them, smell the leaves of the tomato plants, touch the wriggly worms, and taste the tomatoes once they're ripe to a kid who reads about the growth cycle of a tomato plant on a worksheet, sitting inside in a classroom. The second one is a lot easier to clean up. It's also nowhere near the rich, all-encompassing and memorable experience of the first. The first scenario also leads to so many conversations and connections. What goes into the dirt? Why do we need to water? What do worms do? What is the difference between this plant and that plant? So much can come up with kids are having a tactile, messy experience.

Reason Three: We push limits and allow for mistakes.

There is a long list of inventions that only exist because a happy accident occurred. We learn a lot of things when we allow for failure. This week my kids and I went to an adventure playground, where they have hundreds of giant lego-esque blocks for building. The kids love to build forts and castles, and knock them down. They are in haphazard piles all over the park - some structures are standing, some are the ruins of elaborate castles from the day before. It's inviting and welcoming. If they were stacked neatly behind an adult who only allowed kids to check out 10 at a time, it would impede the scale of their building, damage their ambition, and definitely harm their imagination. Instead, they build towers that are not always structurally sound, and yelp in glee as they topple. They learn cause and effect. They learn what happens when they try to go higher or bigger. They learn so much, and it can be so messy.

Reason Four: We are less stressed.

Learning doesn't happen under pressure. Learning doesn't happen when we are stressed, distressed, worried, preoccupied, coerced... if your kids know that you are going to lose your mind if they spill, if you're all worried about the footprints or combining the paint colors, or whatever the thing is - it takes away from the learning opportunity. Parents, I'm not saying you need to let your whole house turn into a ceramic studio, but think creatively about ways and places to allow plenty of happy, relaxed mess to happen! Maybe wait a few years to get the new furniture. Maybe there are places in your house you can dedicate to projects, with a door to close when you want. Maybe you can do a little exploration about why messes bother you and what you're doing if you pass that on to your kids.

Bonus: We relax with cathartic, tactile experiences. Go squish your feet in the mud, too. Go finger paint. Let your kids use face paint all over your arms and legs. There is something absolutely refreshing and rejuvenating about making creative messes with your kids. It opens the door to more learning.

Reason Five: We allow ourselves uninterrupted time.

If we are worried about making messes, we often stop and clean up before real learning happens. Schools have done something particularly damaging to our understanding of learning: They have separated subjects and ring a bell when we are supposed to move on from one thing to another. Our brains work best when topics are integrated, when lots of connections are being made, and our neural pathways are being strengthened through repeated exposure to lots of ideas in varied ways. Our brains often need time, a lot of time, to sink into an experience and really internalize our understanding. Real learning involves a lot more than memorizing facts. Real learning takes experimentation (which is often messy). Real learning takes failure (also messy).

Mess is one of the barriers I write about in my book, Connect with Courage. By the time we have kids, most of us have some strong internalized messaging about the value (or not) of messes, so I get it if it's hard. But I hope this post has encouraged you to go out and have a little messy fun with your kids, for the sake of some seriously wonderful learning!

Roya Dedeaux, making messes from the beginning. Thanks mom. <3

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Play (dough) with purpose

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 22:06:31 GMT

My in-person classes have been moved to online, all of the appointments and meetings I have have either been rescheduled or shifted to virtual. It's hard not to get anxious about the reason why.

Sometimes I talk about the big picture philosophy of being playful -- what it looks like societally if we change our attitudes, or who gets access to certain toys or play spaces.

Other times I think it's important to bring it back to play at it's simplest and purest. Today it is rainy and the world is scared. Today I am making play dough, with my grandmother's recipe. I am adding cinnamon and cloves, and my kids and I will squish our fingers in it until nothing exists in my mind except the tiny world we create at the dining room table.

This is also the power of play.

Lean into tactile, cathartic experiences. Take deep breaths. Keep the anxiety away from your kids, and for the love of humanity, don't forget to play.

My grandmother's play dough recipe, enjoy!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Therapy, play, and corporate training!

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 22:52:34 GMT

I've been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for some time now. When I started, I knew I would want to work for myself - not for a hospital, not for an agency. I knew private practice was in my future. I love the chance to meet clients where they are at, and I have been able to pursue the niches that I think are the most helpful (hint: usually something to do with play and art.)

As I work with my clients, I also began to see a pattern... I was working with a high level of intelligent, driven women who were trying to be their best selves in the workplace. So much of our sessions were spent on how to navigate struggles with employees, imposter syndrome, the feelings that came up when they took risks or steps for advancement, and how to handle family members who weren't as supportive as they could be.

I found myself wishing I could go into their workplaces and help give everyone skills to work together better. Lacking assertiveness? I could help with that! Wanting to communicate better with a large group of different people? I know some tools that could work! Figuring out how to prioritize, set boundaries, and do other time management? That's my jam! Then it clicked. I CAN go to workplaces to help businesses learn these incredibly important soft skills! So I did.

A few month ago I launched my "Play with Purpose" business training, and it has been such a rewarding shift. It is one of the most energizing and exciting things to show up in a new place with new people, and get to use hands-on activities and workshop-style exploration to help the people there function better as a team. I pull from my roots as a Recreation and Leisure specialist and event planner, I bring a touch of the touchy-feely therapist, and the end result is a dynamic, playful training that is both lighthearted and enjoyable, and seriously effective.

I'm a big believer in asking directly for what you need. I am going to practice what I preach. There are two things you can do right now.

The first takes about five minutes. If you work in any capacity, as an employee, manager, owner, etc. Please take this survey. I am adding to my research, and appreciate your input! Please share! My lofty goal is 10,000 responses!

The second is to connect me with your HR rep. I haven't met a company yet that I haven't enjoyed working with! Send them to this page , and I hope I get to work with you soon.

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

My relationship with Brooklyn 99

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 22:51:02 GMT

The Best TV Relationships

It’s February and people sure like talking about luuuvvv in this short, cold month - and I am very, very, very into all of my TV streaming services.. as you know, if you’ve been reading along these last few months! Everything keeps coming back to TV. Sorry, not sorry. I thought I’d make a list of my favorite functional tv relationships.

Sorry for spoilers. But c’mon. Watch more television. ;o)

So here’s my list of Winners of Relationships!

Romantical

Jake & Amy (Brooklyn 99)

Ben & Leslie (Parks & Rec)

Andy and April (Parks & Rec)

Friendship

Jake and Boyle (Brooklyn 99)

Eleanor & Tahani (The Good Place)

Amy and Rosa (Brooklyn 99)

Parent-Child

Hilda and her mom (Hilda)

Colleague/Workplace

Ron & Leslie (Parks & Rec)

Rosa & Amy (Brooklyn 99)

Eleanor & Michael (The Good Place)

So here is what I have learned from my list: Mike Schur comedies are wonderful for many reasons, and one is that they consistently have engaging, realistic, supportive relationships of all kinds!

So… what’s the deal with these relationships? Why are they so great? And NO it’s not just because, fictional. What do they do that makes them seem so wonderful? Here are the patterns that I see.

Respect

Not only do they treat each other with respect outwardly, they also totally respect and admire traits about the other person. Ben Wyatt is blown away by Leslie’s work ethic after knowing her for about 2 seconds. Jake Peralta completely adores Amy Santiago’s pursuit of knowledge and esoteric information. They know their significant other has value and they openly respect and admire them -- out loud and to other people. Jake says, “I have always known you’d be my boss one day.” Ben is Leslie’s campaign manager. They respect their significant other to the point of actively helping them pursue their big goals. It works in both directions! Jake learns inane information at a barrel museum and immediately thinks to take Amy, and Amy is clearly catching up on all Die Hard movies and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cannon. Ben pretends to love a mini horse, Leslie provides the Iron Throne.

Support

Even when they don’t totally get it, they are actively and verbally supportive of each other’s decisions and instincts. Take Jake and Rosa and their “1000 push ups” deal. They have a catchphrase based on, “trust me, support me.” Sometimes support is to stand silently by. Sometimes support is to lend a voice. Sometimes support is a one time big gesture, and other times it’s days of showing up. It’s going with their friend to have a hard conversation, and planning a big game night to show that their chosen-family will be there even when their relatives aren’t.

Humor and levity

Now maybe it’s because my favorite shows are all Mike Schur comedies, but also - I do believe that humor is a vital piece of relationships. We can only stay in deep and heavy for so long. We need light. We need levity. Healthy relationships involve a lot of reframing and a lot of putting-things-into-perspective -- and humor can be so helpful in taking something that could feel monumental and helping us put it into a manageable perspective.

Vulnerability and emotional intelligence

Every one of these examples has a time when they discuss their feelings. I think my very favorite example is every single time Boyle and Jake are on screen together (and can I just mention how freaking refreshing it is to see male friendships portrayed in such an exuberant, loving way??) Boyle is unabashed in his love for his friend, and in his own quippy way, Jake is too. In fact, I think that Jake and *Boyle’s* friendship is one of the reasons why Jake and Amy work together so well. Jake doesn’t have great relationship modeling from his parents, but he had great relationship practice and emotional vulnerability experience with Boyle! We do better in relationships with lots of practice in articulating our emotions.

I could write an entire blog post about the relationships in Brooklyn 99, and I probably will, sometime. They are seriously wonderful on so many levels. For now - here’s a fun little worksheet to add a little more lighthearted emotional vulnerability into your relationships!

This worksheet is designed to help you be a better partner! Love is in the details.

Q1. Describe the scene when you met your partner for the first time. Write down the scene - try to remember all the little things...music playing? The season? Who else was there?

Q2. What is something you’ve seen lately, maybe on TV or an ad on social media that you think your partner would get a kick out of?

Q3. Do you know your partner’s love language (touch, time, words, acts of service, gifts)? What are a few ideas of ways you can show/tell/remind them that you love them and are paying attention?

To sign up for my email list to get the full worksheet go here ! I'll be sending the worksheet to the list about 2 days after this blog gets published! Make sure you sign up so you get the future worksheets too!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

A Lesson from a Frog

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Wed, 11 Dec 2019 22:29:30 GMT

So my family, like many families this month, signed up for Disney+. I was watching Muppet Babies with my kids, and the episode we were watching had a classic Kermit dilemma. Miss Piggy wanted him to garden with her, and Fozzie wanted him to play basketball. Kermit said yes to both because he didn’t want to disappoint either of them. Beaker and Bunson got involved, clones happened… and as you can imagine, there was a huge, co-dependent mess and no one was happy.

I, of course, immediately made the leap (uh oh, accidental frog puns are hoppening!) to many, many, many times I have worked with clients in exactly this type of situation. Kermit is the nurturer, the fixer, the emotional laborer of the muppet group. Those are incredibly useful, wonderful traits. We love the people around us who take care of us like that.

But just like when Kermit-clones took over and everything went awry, when a nurturer’s whole focus is on someone else’s feelings, things can backfire. When the Kermits of the world see a situation where they might disappoint their loved ones, they go into instant distress. They bend over backwards to try to fix the situation so that the other person doesn’t feel unhappy - often long before the person even expresses unhappiness. Kermit gets stressed out over the imagined threat of unhappiness for Miss Piggy and Fozzie. He goes to great lengths and expends a LOT of energy trying to avoid situations that would cause them disappointment, annoyance, or inconvenience.

In Kermit’s mind, he loves them and wants them to be happy. But he’s also communicating something else -- “the worst thing in the world would be for you to experience discomfort.” Many of the Kermits I know are mothers, who are trying to help their children avoid that discomfort. When that is the dynamic, they are unwittingly communicating another message, “You can’t handle difficult feelings.” Kids internalize this and believe that the worst thing in the world is to experience discomfort because they wouldn’t be able to handle it. It eats at their self-confidence. It erodes their resilience.

If you see yourself as the Kermit in your family, I want to remind you that: It’s okay for other people to feel their feelings, no matter what those feelings are.

If you fix everything for everyone, they won’t get the satisfaction of fixing something for themselves.

If you remove all of the obstacles, they won’t get the growth from overcoming them.

One of the paradoxes of this situation is that often that your loved ones don’t want you to fix everything. Kermits get stressed out. Kermits can easily turn to martyrdom. Kermits usually don’t do enough self-care. Your Fozzies and Miss Piggies can see that. As Miss Piggy said in the episode, “If you didn’t want to garden with me, you could have just said.”

She would have been disappointed that Kermit chose to do something else. She would have experienced disappointment, and then lived through disappointment, and understood that she could live through that emotion. It’s okay for her to feel disappointment. It’s okay for other people to feel their feelings, no matter what those feelings are.

So take a few moments, and a few deep breaths. Other people are allowed to have their feelings. You are allowed to have your own feelings. You are strong enough. They are strong enough. Learn a lesson from the frog.

To sign up for my email list to get all future worksheets, go here !

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Word of the Year!

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 21:51:58 GMT

Do you feel pressure to set New Years resolutions? Do you set them, follow through for a few weeks, and then quit? Do you then feel badly because you “failed?” This happens to SO MANY PEOPLE.

I happened upon an incredibly useful antidote to this predictable system - one that has been helpful for me for almost a decade now. Instead of coming up with a specific resolution, I come up with a word that I’d like to focus on for the upcoming year. I think of it like a mission statement. When I need to make a decision, choose a project, decide where to put my focus, I run it through the filter of my Word of the Year. Does it help support or further that word?

It can be fun, exciting, and difficult to pick just one word. A successful WOTY is vague enough to be able to be generalized to many situations and areas in your life, but specific enough to give you some direction. It has multiple meanings, is significant to you, and has longevity and usefulness.

For example, my WOTY for 2017 was “build.” I had set up a practice, I had a lot of things in place, and really wanted to build them up and out. I wanted to build relationships, work on my home, and I was also wanting to work more with my hands. 2019 my word was “work.” I knew I just needed to put my nose to the grindstone and get things done. I wanted to work hard, but also choose what work was meaningful to me. I wanted to think about where I wanted to put my work energy.

This worksheet is designed to help you brainstorm and choose a word for the upcoming year!

Q1. When you first read about this idea, did a word pop into your head? Write that down.

Q2. What words would you use to describe this last year?

Q3. What do you want more of in the next year?

To get the full worksheet go here. To sign up for my email list to get all future worksheets, go here !

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Why Do People Go To Therapy Anyway??

Thu, 09 May 2019 02:30:45 GMT

Welcome to the blog of Roya Dedeaux, Marriage and Family Therapist. You are reading one of the posts in my “Shrinking the Stigma” series – where I will answer questions people have about the logistics and process of therapy. Because of its confidential nature, we tend to shroud the therapy process in so much mystery! My blog attempts to dispel that mystery and make it easier for you to use it as the wonderful resource it can be. Check out the other blog posts at royadedeaux.com

What are some reasons people go to therapy?

I will write another, richer, blog post about this - but in the meantime, I thought I’d gather a list of reasons I’ve heard of for why someone seeks therapy. Some people go to therapy because…

They are having panic attacks and want to stop

They have anxiety about something specific (traveling, earthquakes, leaving the house, growing up)

They are transitioning from living at home to living alone and want help figuring that out.

They feel like they have low self-esteem.

They keep fighting with their spouse or partner.

They want a better relationship with their children.

They want a better relationship with their parents.

It is the anniversary of a death or loss and they’d like help processing grief.

They have recently gone through a loss or death and want help processing their grief.

They have past abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) they realize is affecting their current relationships and would like to process that.

They have current abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) and want help dealing with an unsafe situation.

They are deciding to stay at or leave a job.

They feel stressed out all the time.

They want to understand themselves better.

They keep facing situations that cause them anxiety and want to figure out the pattern.

They keep hearing negative voices from their past and want help doing better.

They are pregnant and want to be a better parent.

They are having trouble getting pregnant and want to process what that means for their sense of self.

They want better tools for communication.

They find themselves getting angry very easily and want help managing that.

They have estranged children or other family members and want to initiate contact.

They have just discovered new and painful information about someone they love.

They have recently broken up with a significant other and want help grieving or moving on.

They feel like they are having trouble expressing who they really are.

They are having trouble making friends.

They have felt really, overwhelmingly sad for a while and do not know how to stop.

They want to get married and want to have premarital counseling.

They are getting divorced and want to figure out how to do so amicably.

They have children who are suffering from a divorce and want them to have a place to express themselves.

They feel different than other people and want someone to talk to.

They are debating their identity - maybe they’ve always been seen one way and they would like to change that.

They feel stuck in a situation they don’t like - maybe a job, a relationship, or even a geographic location.

They have been caretakers of others and want some time to figure out themselves.

They have different views of parenting than their spouse and would like to find common ground.

They are worried they have a mental health disorder and want confirmation.

They want a place to vent.

They are worried about their spouse having an addiction.

They are worried that they might have an addiction.

They feel badly about their body and what they look like.

They realize they’ve been using other things like food, shopping, drugs, or sex as coping tools and it’s not helpful anymore.

They moved to a new place and are having trouble transitioning, or finding the balance in holding on to their culture and assimilating.

They have a secret that they want to share and don’t know how, or want support in.

They need other types of resources, like medication or hospitalization, and don’t know where to start.

They have trauma from a past event that continues to bother them and impair everyday life.

Their child is exhibiting behavior that worries them.

They are lonely.

They are feeling overwhelmed.

They want to kill themselves.

They are struggling with their medication and want to improve its effectiveness or change it.

They have been cutting themselves, or another type of self-injury.

They are feeling overwhelmed by school.

A family member is sick, injured, or going through a traumatic time.

They want to talk about a perfectly nice family member and don’t want to feel guilty or responsible for that person’s feelings.

They are struggling with feeling authentic or true to themselves.

They are a new parent and are afraid they have postpartum depression.

They are fighting with their spouse, or someone close to them.

Everything seems okay and they want it to be better.

They want an hour to themselves each week.

What are some other reasons a person might seek therapy? Add yours in the comments!

“What if I don't like my therapist? How do I find a good one?” Look for answers to these questions and more in other blog posts here at royadedeaux.com!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Is Finding a Therapist Harder for Unschoolers?

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Wed, 08 May 2019 20:49:58 GMT

Is finding a therapist harder for unschoolers?

Yes, it is. I wish it wasn’t. Unschooling is such a radically different way of thinking than the mainstream view of parenting and education, and bumps up against so many preconceived notions, messages, and fears. Remember when you were first learning about unschooling? You had doubts. You might still have doubts. Therapists are not necessarily child development or education specialists. They have had a variety of psychology classes, most of which had to take a child or human development class at some point (but that some point could have been decades earlier).

Another issue is that the behavioral field of sciences infiltrates therapy quite a bit -- those are the folks who are big on rewards and punishments in order to shape behavior. It is the exact opposite of what most unschoolers are doing within their families. That can pose a big barrier in the practice of therapy, and go against much of your family’s philosophy.

Your children might not be as articulate about the benefits of unschooling as you are. To them, their life feels like endless playing, or “doing nothing,” even. To many therapists, this sounds like neglect.

Another barrier, sadly, is that it can be exhausting to have to educate yet another person about your educational and life choices. Even if your therapist is open-minded and eager to learn, it does seem to detract a little from the purpose of therapy when you spend valuable session time teaching your therapist.

Some therapists, despite seeming open minded, cannot seem to get past the fact that your family isn’t following mainstream education methods. I have heard so many stories of families who went to therapy for help dealing with anxiety, depression, relationships, or trauma - and instead of dealing with the actual issue, they were told that the problem was that their children were not in school. This, as we know as unschoolers, is not usually the issue -- and very often is one of the reasons the problem is not even worse.

Some therapists are just lacking in knowledge and value this viewpoint once they hear about it, others are actually, actively opposed to the idea of unschooling even when they learn more about it. I have, sadly, also heard too many stories of therapists making snap judgments about unschoolers and calling Child Protective Services. Some uneducated therapists honestly believe that keeping a kid out of public school is child abuse.

You have options.

You can disclose that you homeschool, but leave out the unschooling part. If you use a charter school, you can focus on that. The upside - it’s more and more common, so more and more therapists understand that an alternative method is a viable option. The downside is that you are not being entirely truthful with your therapist, and that sort of trust barrier between you and your therapist will only impede the therapeutic process.

You can tell them the whole truth, provide them with resources and education. You can feel it out and see how open minded they seem before delving in, and approach with caution. You can refer them to an unschooling-friendly therapist for a consultation (a service I am happy to provide).

You can see an unschooling-friendly therapist to begin with! The best case scenario is to find a therapist who was either unschooled themselves, or unschools their own children. The benefits of that are, of course, that you do not need to educate them, explain or justify your decisions, and you can move quickly past those questions and onto the real reasons you are seeking therapy. You can find a therapist who understands the unique lifestyle of unschooling, understands the importance of park days (or what they even are), has been to conferences, has read the same websites you have, who understands not to ask your children about their grade level or what their favorite subject is in school. You can find a therapist who won’t automatically assume that playing 4 hours of Minecraft is a problem. You can find a therapist who can meet your family where you are at, and actually help.

“What if I don't like my therapist? How do I find a good one?” Look for answers to these questions and more in other blog posts here at royadedeaux.com!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

What is a "50 Minute Therapy Hour?!"

royadedeaux@gmail.com (Roya Dedeaux) — Wed, 08 May 2019 20:47:42 GMT

What is a “50 minute therapy hour?”

Many therapists schedule sessions for 50 minutes long. It is really a logistical function - scheduling for 50 minutes means that we can schedule clients every hour, and still have time in between. This is a fairly standard practice for therapists. When I was a trainee seeing my first clients, I remember how difficult it was to stick to that! Between clients we had to write our notes (which again, when you’re first learning, take time!), and that was our chance to go to the bathroom, eat a snack, play a game of Bejeweled on our phone, step outside for a minute, check our voicemail… and above all, switch gears and refocus to see a new client! As a trainee, I often saw 6 or more clients back to back, which meant those 10 minutes between were precious.

As a licensed professional I now have more leeway to build my schedule the way I want it - and I find that the 50 minute hour still works logistically. I still have notes to keep, super bills to write, voicemails to check, and the need to decompress between clients. This is my business, and so if I am going to be renting office space for 4 hours in a day, then I prefer to see 4 clients in that time, rather than 3 -- which only works if I keep to my 50 minutes!

There’s a slightly more philosophical reason for this too - which is that good therapy requires good boundaries. Clients come in and share some of the most intimate, scary, sacred pieces of their lives with me. Boundaries can get blurred. It can get easy to get wrapped up in a client’s narrative - I would listen for hours if I could, sometimes. But good therapy needs to stay therapeutic and not cross the line into friendship or even just storytelling. Sticking to a predetermined amount of time is one way to keep that established.

“What if I don't like my therapist? How do I find a good one?” Look for answers to these questions and more in other blog posts here at royadedeaux.com!

Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on using creative tools like art, writing, and recreation as a way to help teens and their families who don't quite fit the mold.

Connect With Courage | Roya Dedeaux, LMFT

A Teen's Guide to Fighting Nihilism

Why Does Everything Feel So Pointless?

1. Music: The Soundtrack to Your Resistance

2. Art as a Form of Revolution

3. Taking Action Steps Toward Personal Goals

5. Being a Conscious Consumer of Media

Conclusion: You Are the Author of Your Own Meaning

How to parent a teenager (5 ways to support your teens)

“I think it’s harder to be a teenager today than it was when we were younger.”

5 ways parents can support their teenagers:

1. Have perspective

2. Use Their Interests

3. Stop Asking Questions

4. Focus on changing proportions

5. Check your emotions

Is six year old manipulating mama??

A Parent Wrote...

Six year old manipulating mama?

Rather watch the video? Here you go!

Resources I mention during this episode:

Feisty Five Year Old

A Parent Wrote...

Feisty Five Year Old

Rather watch the video? Here you go!

Resources I mention during this episode:

Intentionally Ruining Her Food

A question from a concerned parent...

﻿

4 year old intentionally ruining food

Rather watch the video? Here you go!

Resources I mention during this episode:

7 Things Adults Need to Get Over

7 Things Adults Have to Let go of to be More Creative!

Resources I mention during this episode:

Journal prompts for creative moms

The Creative Mama Conundrum

Scribble Your Feelings Away

Doodling Dreams and Sparking Ideas

Stress Busting 101

Share the Love – Online and Off

Journal Prompts

5 Things I Hope for YOU

5 Things I Hope for You

Resources I mention during this episode:

How to be a playful parent when the world is falling apart

How to be a playful parent when the world is falling apart

listen here:

Watch here:

Resources I mention during this episode:

Time, obsession, and how to lean in

Time, obsession, and how to lean in.

Resources I mention during this episode:

The Art of Incomplete

The A rt of Incomplete

Resources I mention during this episode:

5 Self Portraits Parents Should Make

5 Self Portraits Parents Should Make!

Resources I mention during this episode:

5 Ways I Learned to Play More

5 Ways I Learned to Play More

Resources I mention during this episode:

Ugly Art - Why Parents Should Be Making It

Make Ugly Art!

Resources I mention during this episode:

9 Effective Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

9 effective ways to boost your child's self-esteem.

3. Encourage Their Inner Weirdo

Building Self-Confidence in your Kids

How to turn "I can't" into "I can"

4. Turn Failures into Epic Adventures

5. Shower Them with Specific Compliments

7. Make Failure a Family Tradition

8. Give Them a Superhero Alter Ego

BONUS 10. Get even more tools!

30 Minute Parenting Webinar

designed to Boost Your Kid's Self Esteem

Adulting and other Questions from Life is Good Unschooling Conference

Whenever possible, you'll find me every Memorial Day weekend in a lodge in Washington where the bird song is piped into the hallways and the children only run slightly feral.

Parenting During the Teen Years